


Light

by fragilespark



Series: Light [1]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Dragon Age Kink Meme, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-28
Updated: 2012-11-28
Packaged: 2017-11-19 18:44:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 24,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/576464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragilespark/pseuds/fragilespark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Original prompt, inspired by Stardust: Fenris is a fallen star.)</p><p>Act 3. After Fenris spares Varania, she sends him some documents in her possession. Unable to read through them unaided, Fenris accepts Sebastian's help and the two form a bond during the sessions. Sebastian's attraction to Fenris deepens and lead him to question the vows he has been trying to uphold, while Fenris tries to make sense of his fragmented past. As Kirkwall's battle between mages and templars escalates, Varania keeps an eye on the couple, her motives unclear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Varania paused at the door. "You wanted these markings, Fenris. You competed for them."

Sebastian heard those words and saw the helpless look on Fenris' face. It was disconcerting to see the warrior so vulnerable, if only for a fleeting moment. If he had truly wanted them, it had cost him his memory. The words of the Desire Demon whispered in his own. _Everyone has a price. Everyone wants something._ Danarius had wanted a pet, but met his end at the hands of the living weapon he had turned Fenris into. Why was it that Sebastian searched for further answers? It was not his place to figure out the puzzle, he reminded himself.

He soothed his own anger at the elf's betrayal with a prayer and followed Fenris out. It was not yet time to offer one to him but for all Sebastian's indecision, his faith in the Maker had never wavered and it could do for his friends what his arrows could not.

Many people had come to him to confess over the years. When he spoke with Fenris, however, it was more likely he'd end up talking about himself. As a listener, Fenris was a lot like Hawke in that respect, able to help untangle Sebastian's thoughts with piercing questions and patient silences. They talked of Starkhaven, of power, of burdens; they talked of years lost and friends gained. He allowed himself a glass of wine, one was all that Fenris ever offered, and the day the Aggregio ran out he raised his glass and Fenris raised the bottle before downing the last sip.

In the Hanged Man Sebastian remained sober. He didn't frequent it much, even though he had bonded with his companions. There were too many people there living a life he had left behind, one that he could not have returned to even if he had continued to deny his vows. It was harder to talk here but a kind of intimacy could be found amongst the noise. Words that could not come out in the silence braved through, they could be misheard and forgotten or pretended away. With Varric on business that night they had settled into a pair and a three - Hawke, Merrill and Isabela - and they were distracted enough that their conversation could stay private.

"I must admit, meeting Sister Nightingale prompted me to reconsider what it means to be dedicated to the faith. She seemed so different to what I imagined someone so close to the Divine could be."

Fenris leaned forward. "Were you striving to live up to an ideal, then? One that you assumed everyone else shared?"

"Maybe. I have learned that perhaps there is no one perfect way to live a Chantry life. It has given me peace where before there was conflict. I am glad I met her."

"It seems she made an impression on you that was more than just the few minutes you saw that day."

"The Maker leads people into our lives for a reason," there was a slight breeze as Varric entered the tavern, "I am... very grateful for some of the companions I have met here."

"You mean Hawke."

"And you."

Varric approached them and stood beside Fenris. "I have something that you might wanna take a look at. I'll take it to my suite so you can have a look. Undisturbed."

Sebastian took that to mean it was none of his business.

Fenris looked up at him. "What is it?"

"Let's just say it fell into my hands."

Varric headed to his rooms and Fenris, uninterested in finishing his drink, got up to follow. He placed a hand on Sebastian's shoulder as he passed. "I do not mind."

Sebastian was mindful of quelling any curiosity that would have him stand without thinking. He closed his eyes with a silent affirmation. He was there to serve the Maker and those in need of His aid. He followed calmly after a moment's pause.

"...wonder... sent all of it," came Varric's voice as he approached, "if there's more-"

"She had these in her power? And she sends them, with no demands? How can I be sure?"

Sebastian stepped into the doorway to see Fenris holding a stack of papers away from his body, his hands shaking as if the ink was burning him.

Varric sighed. "I'm a trick away from 'guarantee' - I can't read minds yet."

Fenris stared down at the top page. It was a set of scrawled notes, likely beyond what he had mastered from his sessions with Hawke.

"Can I help at all?" If Sebastian was unnoticed he was as good as eavesdropping, so he had to make himself known.

"Varania-" Fenris started, trying to get an adequate explanation out, "these are... records that belonged to Danarius. About me." The pages started to crinkle under his tight grasp and he looked up at Sebastian. "Do I want to know?"

"You have a choice now. And you don't have to make it this instant."

Fenris sighed and his shoulders sank slowly. Varric offered him the leather pouch the documents had been stored in. "Did you read them?"

"I only saw enough to know what they were."

The word 'worth' tailed after that sentence in Sebastian's mind.

"I need... I need some air." Fenris made his way towards him and Sebastian moved, feeling he was bound to stay with him. To stop to talk to Varric, or to return to the other companions, they weren't real options. It was quite the catch-up to follow Fenris in his state, the emotion making the elf stalk back to his mansion to seek sanctuary.

Sebastian hoped he would not be unwelcome.


	2. Chapter 2

When Sebastian entered the mansion, Fenris flung the pouch at his feet.

"Go on then. Read!"

Sebastian forgave his friend's temper and bent to pick up the documents. "Are you sure, Fenris?"

"I have my past in my hands and still I am a slave to others!"

"Very well. I will read it all, for good or bad, if that is your wish."

Fenris stood, hands on his hips, and slowed his breathing. "Come in. I- I will not make you read it."

"How about one page?" Sebastian said, walking towards him, "just for now."

Fenris walked across the room and lit the fire.

Sebastian cleared his throat and put the pouch down on the table, carefully taking out the first document. He paused to take a deep breath and double check Fenris didn't object. "I have ventured to collect notes on this slave, previously called Leto, due to the behaviour that has been observed on his exposure to lyrium." Sebastian leaned on the table and continued. "The slave- by the Maker, is he not going to use your name at all?"

Fenris sat down, looking tired. "I have been called worse. It was at least factual. Carry on."

"...the slave has demonstrated a tolerance for lyrium objects where they would usually be used to distract, addict or otherwise affect the subject. Danarius-" he looked up at Fenris, who returned gaze but shook his head at his surprise that he was not the author.

"Of course. He would have others 'helping' with the research."

Sebastian would never ask, even if Fenris could remember, but the disgusted tone suggested either other slaves or fellow slavers. He took another deep breath, trying to disconnect from what he was reading and the rage slowly building inside him. "Danarius has begun introducing lyrium into the slave's daily routine, in particular the restraints and anal- I am so sorry, Fenris." Sebastian flushed and stood to pace, nervous. Fenris was patient and waited for him to continue. Sebastian skipped to the next sentence. "The expense on this slave will have to be increased to allow for this, and Danarius plans to take him to an acquaintance experienced with handling unprocessed lyrium in order to further his interest in this issue." Sebastian shook his head and put the paper face down on the table, forcing the words out. "At the bottom of the page there are some calculations but I'll spare you those."

Fenris looked at the markings on his arm, coming to his own conclusions. After a few minutes of silence between them, he spoke. "Thank you."

"This... is not going to get any easier."

"For either of us, it seems." Fenris said, sharing Sebastian's unspoken thought. He stood, walking towards Sebastian. "I will repeat what I said earlier. I will not make you read it."

"Thank you. But if it helps you, it is what I must do."

"You do it for duty, then?"

"If you think it is a duty to help others you would not be wrong, but you are also my friend, Fenris."

"Hm." Fenris turned towards the table and looked at the papers. "I will leave them here, as they are, and perhaps we can continue tomorrow?" he looked up at the window. "When it's daylight."

Sebastian could appreciate why that would make a difference and wanted to comfort him. He didn't want to leave Fenris now, but there was no reason to stay unless invited. "Tomorrow works for me. You can expect me after lunch?"

Fenris nodded, still looking away.

Sebastian wanted to burn the papers but he dispelled such thoughts with practiced prayers. "Until tomorrow." Nothing else could be said. He walked out into the night and to the Chantry. Fenris lived so close, but it seemed a world away.

 

It didn't take long for Varric to find him. After his morning duties, Sebastian left the Chantry for a walk in the fresh air and company. It was coincidence, of course. Varric had just stopped by Hawke's for a chat.

"We're going to pay the Dalish a visit. We could use your calming presence if we're taking Daisy along."

"I..."

"What, other commitments? You're still reading it to him, aren't you?"

Sebastian had wanted to pre-empt his questions. "It is not for me to tell, as you know."

"And you didn't take them with you, to have a little read through?"

"No, absolutely not! That would be a disservice-"

"Okay, okay." Varric rubbed his brow. "just keep him from doing anything stupid, whatever you find."

Had Varric not read anything? Or was he just that good at bluffing? Either way, Sebastian was relieved not to have to answer any more questions. He had some time before meeting Fenris and he decided to go back to the Chantry after all. He had a letter to write.


	3. Chapter 3

The next few days were contrary to either of their expectations. They kept to a page a day and Sebastian found he was halting less as he read about lyrium in general, many findings in keeping with general knowledge. There were also impersonal notes on some of the other slaves but Fenris did not remember them. There were more accounts; it was not clear if Varania had sorted through the notes without sending them.

Thus the sickening feeling in Sebastian's gut was more from the anticipation of what all this research was going to lead to.

The next page surprised him. It was a letter, in a different hand. He leaned forward in the chair as he read, skipping the flowery praise to Danarius. "It is with pleasure that I confirm the transaction is complete and with satisfaction on my side. The elf and her child are to be delivered almost as soon as this letter and you will find that they have an excellent, docile temperament. As for the child's magic, it is proven beyond reasonable doubt. If you will consider investing in her education, it will be well worth the reward." Sebastian paused. If this was about Varania, there was no mention of her brother yet.

Fenris scoffed. "It wouldn't surprise me if he'd been grooming her from the start. Making her feel special by choosing her to be his apprentice when it had always been his plan."

Sebastian drudged through a paragraph about recent transactions with other slavers and more pompous language. "Of all the disgusting, self-congratulatory..." he muttered before checking himself. He sighed, leaning back as he neared the end of the letter, ready to set it onto the table. "P.S. There is another bargain I would discuss with you, once the above slaves have been assessed. I have an elf-child that may interest you and could be settled in with them as soon as next month with little inconvenience."

He didn't need to provide his own comment on that. He couldn't read Fenris' expression, his face was turned away from the flickering light of the fire. Sebastian wanted to take him away from this... pit. This. All of it. He had little to offer except his strength of faith in the Maker, and even he knew how rude it would be to try to preach at this moment. He just had to walk through this with him. Stay by his side.

"I'm here. Page by page. I will do this with you."

Fenris looked down at his own lap.

"And when it's over..." it would be up to Fenris to decide. He would be free.

The shift of the chair alerted him as Fenris stood. "I'm not waiting until then to- to do what I want."

Sebastian sat up straight, interested. He commended Fenris' courage. "What do you want to do?"

Fenris had his hands on his hips, wrinkling his nose. "I want to start by cleaning this place up."

_Cleaning?_

Fenris' expression softened as he looked at Sebastian, a tiny quirk to his lips. "You were expecting a trip across the Marches? Or to the Rose?"

_Not quite that, but..._ "I think it is a very... _proper_ thing to do." he offered.

"Don't be so wary. You don't have to help me."

Sebastian tilted his head. "I can see that it would be satisfying to make progress yourself..."

"You're being diplomatic. But?"

"But why not get as many people as possible to help you in one day? I'm sure Hawke and Isabela don't mind getting their hands dirty, in fact Isabela can probably enlist a team and get it _ship-shape_."

Fenris shook his head but his smile grew a little. "I'm sure she could." Fenris paced. "I have barely any posessions, but I would not like to see the things here pawned off at the docks. No matter how much I hate the statues. It would have to be, as you say, Hawke and Isabela, if they accepted."

The omissions were clear, and Sebastian did not question them.

 

Isabela's smile was, for lack of a better word, triumphant as she stood there with her hands on her lips, looking around. "I thought you'd never ask. Though four is a pretty small crew."

Hawke had brought Orana, making up the number.

"I thought you might appreciate the chance to show your skills." Sebastian said.

Isabela walked towards him. "You just want to be captained. Who knew?" she said, looking him up and down.

Thank the Maker he had left all that behind. "Indeed," he replied politely, "we are ready to start."

Within an hour the worst of the debris had been removed. Windows were opened, chasing the dust and musty air away. Fenris had kept his room relatively clean if a little untidy, but the rest of the mansion was neglected even without the proof of the battle. After much persuasion Fenris relented to the dockside sale of the statues after all, on the condition that the money was invested into their current work on the place. The owner was dead, the person who killed the owner was dead, but Fenris was still only a squatter as he continued to refuse to make any claim on the estate, like Hawke had.

Sebastian understood; Hawke's circumstances were different. Fenris had nothing. The documents had been hidden away in a drawer in Fenris' room and this could have been anybody's house.

Isabela, true to her role, did not let them stop for lunch until the worst of the dust and cobwebs had been swept and the floors mopped. Orana had brought them a cold lunch she had made at Hawke's estate. Hawke had to assure Fenris that Orana was being paid extra for this. It did not make him entirely comfortable just yet.

They sat around a hastily arranged table and Sebastian delayed tucking in to admire the way Fenris looked. The quality of light in the rooms had improved massively, although the windows were not yet clean they were open, and showed what it could look like. Fenris' neck and cheeks were flushed slightly, not just from the exertion, which any battle could show, but he looked lively. Sebastian could only attribute this to the fact he was doing something for himself and enjoying it, no matter how menial the task. He admired him greatly for this. He had taken off the armoured parts of his outfit and was rolling his shoulders, trying to get comfortable. It was tempting to follow suit, but Sebastian preferred to keep his full set on unless it couldn't be avoided. Fenris met his gaze and Sebastian smiled.

"I have a feeling we've got even harder work on the way." Fenris said before taking a good gulp of the wine Isabela had brought.

"I will do what is needed, but I'm more a polishing man." Sebastian said honestly.

"Really." A wicked smile played at Fenris' lips.

What was with today? Everyone was flirting with him. It was harder to calm himself with Fenris because for one it was so unexpected. For the other... well, Fenris was very attractive. Sebastian kept his thoughts chaste. He was very fond of Fenris. There was nothing wrong with that. He ate and restored his energy, although he chose water to drink, at the protest of the others.


	4. Chapter 4

There weren't enough tiles to completely fix the floor but they spent time making sure they placed as many as they could, any bare areas away from where they were likely to trip. There was nothing they could do about the broken parts of the ceiling or the stained walls but the place was more like it should have been all along.

Fenris was sincere in his thanks as the others left, assuring them he would go to the Hanged Man the next evening. Sebastian waited by the door. He had not read anything today but Fenris was probably at his limit of company for the day.

"Come, sit." Fenris beckoned him into the side room they had been using for their sessions. In their cleanup they had found several dusty bottles of wine and Fenris had already opened one to let it breathe.

"Are you sure? I should think you've had enough of my presence for one day."

"As much as I have appreciated what has happened today, I haven't had you to myself yet."

Fenris couldn't have meant it like that, but Sebastian found he really liked the idea of his friend wanting to give him his full attention. They had closed the windows and the smell of smoke from the fire was filling the air again. It was time to be serious again. Although the surroundings were more comfortable, the task ahead was just as difficult.

"Would you like me to retrieve the documents?"

Fenris frowned. "Not yet. Sit, please. Drink."

Sebastian fetched his empty water glass and sat opposite Fenris, leaning forward as Fenris offered the bottle. "Thank you." He watched it pour into the glass and it was rather satisfying. "Oh... that's-" Fenris was filling it a little too full for his liking, "Fenris..."

"You had none at lunch. It's been a while, hasn't it? The walk to the Chantry is short, you will be fine."

He sighed and leaned back and made no more attempt to resist Fenris' persuasion, taking a long sip to stop it from spilling if nothing else.

Fenris leaned back in the chair, looking more comfortable than usual. Whether it was the satisfaction of seeing his home in such a good state, or the fact he could curl more flexibly without the rigid armour, or both, Sebastian didn't mind. Comfortable was close to content and he was happy if Fenris could be content. Sebastian didn't blame him for wanting to dwell in it a little longer, before the inevitable move into less pleasant discussions.

He looked up at Sebastian. "Isabela was right, in a way. You did look like you were enjoying yourself."

"I was happy to help."

"People like you, and Hawke..." he considered his words before continuing, "you don't think too hard about helping people. It's not a big decision."

"It's not a decision, at least for me. It's a way of life. As a Chantry Brother I would have to actively choose _not_ to help someone who really needed my aid."

Fenris tilted the bottle from side to side, watching the liquid inside. He looked as though he was on the verge of saying something, but didn't look up.

Sebastian let the silence hang for a few moments before repeating his offer to get the documents.

"Agh-" Fenris made a noise of frustration and tipped his head back, lyrium lines exposed. When he looked at Sebastian again his eyes were half-lidded, tired. "I suppose we should continue."

Sebastian nodded but felt a little uncomfortable that maybe he had pushed too much. He walked back through the main hall and up the stairs to Fenris' room, getting used to the tidier look of the place. He opened the wrong drawer to start with, seeing large letters repeated over and over again on a page. Fenris was learning to write. He felt a warmth in his chest at the sight of the careful lettering, not quite childlike and certainly not clumsy but odd to a literate person. He wanted to help with that too, picturing himself sitting with Fenris and teaching him, but it seemed Hawke was doing a thorough job already.

When he got back, Fenris was pacing.

"Is everything alright?" he said, placing the pouch on another chair.

Fenris stopped and Sebastian took in the sight of him standing there in just his leggings and undertunic. He stood straighter without his usual battle-wary stance but every muscle still looked taut, ready and waiting. Fenris moved to sit down again. "Your voice and that life don't go together."

"Perhaps it is a blessing that I am reading it then?"

"The only other thing I've heard you read is the Chant."

Sebastian brightened. "You came to listen?"

"I was delivering something."

Sebastian wondered how in Andraste's name he could have missed _Fenris_. Looking at him now, the shock of white hair, the darker skintone, the lyrium tattoos, those big eyes... "Did you cover yourself in a sack?"

Fenris blinked before relaxing a little. "I am conspicuous, I know. But there is nothing I can do about it."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend... and there is nothing you should do about it, you're- you're-" _Beautiful. Stunning._

"If you say 'exotic'..."

"I wasn't going to. It just seems rude to say anything other than handsome."

Fenris smiled. "You think I'm handsome."

"Aye."

"Thank you."

Sebastian returned Fenris' smile before opening the pouch and flicking to the next page. Fenris settled and looked at his wine but did not reach for it.

The page was only half written on, a short paragraph in a strange hand. "Fenris will either be my most expensive mistake or my greatest achievement. His presence caused pure lyrium to lose its glow but it made him alert, so of course I made him touch it. It does not hurt him but seems a source of energy given his stamina later. I can think of many ways this will be of use to me. If you will send me a plan on how to insert and distribute it over his whole body I will consider it. Make it aesthetically pleasing, I'm going to show him off if it's the end of me." Sebastian's eyes flicked up as he reached Danarius' name. A letter then. Fenris had paled. Sebastian had focused on getting the words out but the rage at this vile man, even though he had watched him die, was making him want to seek out and punch the lights out of anyone who had ever touched Fenris. He could not calm his feelings completely but settled for wishing he could tear the paper into pieces. "Are you alright?"

He gave Fenris all the time in the world to answer this time.

"I don't want that to be what I remember tonight."

Sebastian pulled out the page that followed and stared at it. He turned it so Fenris could see. There were sketches. Not of Fenris, but another naked elf, modelling so that the markings could be designed.

Fenris was visibly unhappy. His body hadn't changed position but his face showed it all with his expression. Sebastian realised more of Fenris' past wouldn't make things better now.

"I'm sorry." He put the papers away and threaded his fingers together. The day's effort had started to make him uncomfortable and the tension in the air wasn't helping, yet he didn't want to go anywhere.

"What's Starkhaven like?"

"What?"

Fenris closed his eyes. "Tell me about Starkhaven. Please."


	5. Chapter 5

Sebastian talked and sipped his wine, telling Fenris that the way the sunset shone on Starkhaven was the warmest he'd ever seen, that the barges that went through the city were covered in flowers to mark the end of Wintersend, and how you could tell which way the wind was blowing by how cold your nose got, no matter the weather. He told him about the time he'd hidden in a tower for a whole day when he was a child, watching the clouds then the stars and feeding the pigeons that came in. He ended up talking about himself for a while before remembering he should be telling Fenris more about the place.

"It was originally called Starkehyve."

"I like that."

Sebastian felt a little proud. "I think you would like the place itself. Would you like to do that? Visit it, I mean. With me." He drank more of his wine, running low.

"Mmm. I would. What was it called again?"

"Hm? Oh, Starkehyve." Sebastian was conscious that saying it the old way made his accent sound stronger. He had never really studied the old tongue in his youth and by the time he could have appreciated it he was dedicated to his Chantry studies.

Fenris smiled to himself.

Sebastian was glad to see Fenris smiling and he seemed to do it more frequently in his own home. He swirled the wine in his glass before lifting it. "A toast to you, Fenris, and to your new home."

Fenris hesitated for a moment before lifting the bottle. "And to you, Sebastian, and the home you left behind."

They drank and between comfortable silences Sebastian told Fenris more little things about Starkhaven, the wine making his memories fonder.

 

Fenris was asleep.

Sebastian was confident he would be able to tell if Fenris had just closed his eyes to listen. He was definitely asleep, sunk down into the chair, head dropped to the side, breathing slow.

The fire crackled only occasionally, turning to embers as Sebastian watched him. Only when his own eyes started to droop did he get up lest he fall asleep in the chair.

There was one thing he was very sure of. He didn't want to startle his friend and find himself on the receiving end of Fenris' deadly strength.

"Fenris," he said softly as he approached him, "Fenris. Don't be alarmed."

Fenris didn't stir.

Sebastian leaned in and placed a hand on his shoulder. Fenris' skin was a lot warmer than he had expected. Softer too.

"Fenris..." he said one last time in a whisper before sliding his arm around the elf's waist and another under his knees, bracing himself and lifting him up. His heart was in his throat for a moment. He knew that Fenris could wake and lash out if threatened. He wanted to make the journey up to Fenris' bedroom with as little disruption as possible.

Fenris smelled of a day's work and fresh smoke with the hint of wine that Sebastian could still taste. There was something else, the tang of metal, lingering from his armour. What he wore now was almost a second skin. He was easy to carry but Sebastian hoped his own armour wasn't digging in anywhere uncomfortable.

The walk through the house was quiet and steady, he didn't have to step over anything now. Fenris wasn't heavy but he was lean with muscle and as Sebastian's arms started to ache he wondered if he was as in shape as he thought he was. In his wild youth he had carried a few lovers to bed (or the barn, or the nearest convenient place). Just once a lover had carried _him_.

This was an entirely different context, laying Fenris down on the bed gently, the elf's head tipping back, and Maker that _neck_. Sebastian flushed and stepped away. Whatever was he doing? He only lingered long enough to cover Fenris with a blanket before getting away, resolving to refuse any large glasses of wine next time.

 

It was dark and late when he arrived at the Chantry. When he got to his quarters there was a letter waiting for him. It was from Tevinter.

He was tired, but he opened it by candlelight. Varania had replied. He had no way of telling if she had written the letter herself, however. There was little formality to it. The line that stood out for him was "The researcher is alive. I have no reason to help you, I have given you more than you had any right to. If you want more information then you must come yourself. Be warned: You may not get very far if you do not bring him with you."

Sebastian shook his head. There was no way he was going to risk Fenris like that. He had to hope that any answers were to be found in the documents they had obtained.

The Chantry was quiet, along with the rest of Hightown. It would have been easy to strip his armour off and fall to the bed exhausted but Sebastian was more disciplined than that. He did strip off his armour but he checked it and laid it out so he could clean and polish it at first light. Once in his comfortable nightclothes he knelt at the foot of the bed and prayed at length: for forgiveness, for strength, for Fenris. He was barely whispering, a practice which had no other place than solitary prayer. He finished with a familiar line from the Canticle of Trials, which it felt like he had repeated more than any other.

"Though all before me is shadow, yet shall the Maker be my guide."

Sebastian slept and dreamt of going up the Minanter River, to enter the city with Fenris at his side looking up in wonder.


	6. Chapter 6

Sebastian was finishing up his Chantry duties when Hawke picked him up, insisting he was needed for a trip to the Bone Pit. Fenris was already waiting outside, with Anders, which surprised him. Normally they passed the clinic last just in case he was delayed with a patient. The body language told it all, even though they were not engaged in their usual bickering. Fenris was standing rigid, fists clenched, turned away from him, and Anders had his arms crossed, glaring at him and looking like he was about to start again.

Hawke ignored them completely, going past them as if expecting them to automatically follow. Anders did. Fenris waited until Sebastian was level with him and gave him a sidelong glance as they walked together.

"Did you, ah, sleep well?" It was the only thing Sebastian could say.

"I have you to thank for that." Fenris' voice was rough and Sebastian felt for him. To his credit Fenris wasn't squinting at the sun or wincing at the noise so perhaps the alcohol had not affected him that badly. That or it had taken him all morning to recover.

"I am glad I could do even a little."

Fenris smiled at him. Sebastian's pulse quickened a little as he contemplated Fenris in the sunlight. Why couldn't he stop _looking_? Fenris was very appealing to the eye, but Sebastian knew that his smile was doing something more to him, something he had successfully kept at bay for years. Lust. The silence as they walked let him think around the subject. Desire led him to Desire demons and how he had to be strong against temptation in any form and devote his life to the Maker and how could he even think about that since this was Fenris, he was safe with Fenris. His friend was no danger and didn't require any extreme measures. The only trouble was in his own mind, which he could control. There was no problem at all. He took a deep breath and smiled as he strode out of the city with the others.

 

Hawke had led them on a dragon-hunting session, Sebastian getting good long-range practice and having to bat a few dragonlings away with his bow when they got too close. They shared the lunch that the workers offered them, their portion was more like a snack but satisfying enough, and Sebastian sat apart from the others so that he could say a short prayer of thanks to the Maker. Fenris paused a little way away from him, waiting for him to finish. Sebastian looked up and Fenris went to sit by him. Their silence was more comfortable this time. When Fenris finished he looked around and slid his hand into one of his pockets, pulling out a folded piece of paper.

"I didn't know if we would get the chance, but I brought the next one. I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all, Fenris." Sebastian set his plate down and held his hand out for the page. When he unfolded it and read a few words, he frowned.

"That's not a good start." Fenris said. His fingers were curled lightly against the rock he was sitting on, and he leaned forward, anxious.

"Well it's-" Sebastian scanned the rest of the page quickly. "It's in Tevinter."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry, Fenris. I can't read it. Even if it were appropriate I don't know if we could find someone who can..."

Fenris sighed. "We'll have to take it back with us. I think if you read it... I might understand."

"What?" Sebastian had never thought of that, but it made sense. However, he knew little about the language. "I... well, I'm willing to try if you think it'll work."

"Thank you. Perhaps it is best if we just leave it for now." Fenris tilted his face up towards the sun and closed his eyes.

Sebastian looked away, at Hawke, at the caves, at anything that would prevent him sitting and staring at him. He had caught the urge in time. He folded the paper and pressed the flat to keep it neat before sliding his fingers along the creases. When he looked up to offer it back, Fenris was watching Sebastian's hands. "Here."

Fenris took it to put away and Sebastian caught Anders looking at them with suspicion. Maybe he was too harsh, maybe it was only curiosity. Still, he felt extremely protective of Fenris and their discoveries for that moment. He did not truly believe that Anders would mean harm even if he did read the documents, despite their disagreements, but the thought of him or anyone else getting anywhere near such a sensitive issue made him uncomfortable.

Fenris stood up and Sebastian did the same. He realised he was reacting to Fenris' actions instead of Hawke's since Hawke had not indicated they were leaving yet. Looking around, he felt that he and Fenris were outsiders, since their other companions and the workers were all Fereldan.

"I wonder what Ferelden is like. Beyond what you always hear people saying, and beyond the Blight. I want to hear more experiences from people that have lived there."

"You could get them to tell you, just like you told me about Starkhaven."

"I think I will. I will invite them to the Chantry when I see them in Kirkwall."

"Or outside the Hanged Man." Fenris said, amused, "they'll probably be more chatty there."

 

Sebastian was beginning to wish he had accepted a drink after all. He was incredibly self-conscious as he spoke the foreign words with no idea what he was saying. He had imagined helping Fenris to read and now it seemed their positions were reversed in a way. After asking to hear it again, Fenris finally caught the words and repeated them back before translating.

"There was a crash, a... tremor," Fenris sounded unsure, "that filled the sky with dust."

The more Sebastian heard Fenris say the more he figured out exactly how the words were spoken, although what he knew and what came out were different matters. He was surprised Fenris could make it out at all. Everything was describing a kind of earthquake. It wasn't like the other documents. There was no mention of slavery, yet. Back and forth they found a rhythm to get through the document.

"The ground was sunk, like a dried lake. Round."

"In the middle it was burnt and cracked."

"We thought the ground had opened up."

"We ran in to see if we could find anything of value."

"In the rocks there was an elf child, still alive."

"No clothes. They could have been burnt from his skin."

"There were no others. How did he survive?"

Fenris sighed and shook his head before the last sentence.

"We took the boy away to sell."

Sebastian tapped a finger on the page. "This is in your file, do you think it could be anyone but you?"

"It could be, it could be anyone. But we're not likely to prove that it isn't." Fenris took a drink before throwing the bottle to the floor with a crack and looking angrily down at his markings. "So that's why they thought they could do anything to me. They thought I could survive anything so... so... they could do anything to me." He pressed his hand against his face and made a sound of anguish.

"Fenris!" Sebastian left his chair and knelt at his feet.


	7. Chapter 7

"Why- Why? I don't want this. I don't want this!" Fenris clawed at his arm and Sebastian's hand shot out to grab his.

"Stop, Fenris- Don't! Don't hurt yourself."

Fenris halted the anxious momentum and slumped after a moment, staring at the floor. Sebastian took a gentler hold of his hand, hoping to comfort him, to support him. He felt the barest of shakes subside. Fenris took a few moments to speak. "You are right. It does me no good."

Sebastian had many appropriate things he could say at this point, many suitable lines from the Chant, but as he looked at Fenris' defeated expression - vulnerable - he felt he should offer his own words, his way of opening up, so Fenris was not alone. "I am here for you, Fenris. I care for you, as a friend."

Fenris' hand closed around Sebastian's tightly.

"A dear friend." Sebastian said softly and bowed his head. "It pains me to know you suffer."

Fenris shifted on the chair and leaned forward. "I know." He held Sebastian's hand with both of his and pressed his lips to the top of his head. Fenris' voice was soft too. "You've been... it has meant a lot to have you by my side in this."

Sebastian stayed still, eyes closed, almost as if he was praying. Fenris' hands were warm and steady now. Sebastian could feel a kind of role reversal, that he was the one being comforted now. "I will remain there, as long as you need me. I don't care if they found an excuse to hurt you, nobody should have to go through what you did."

"Sebastian." It was almost a whisper.

"There is nothing wrong with you."

"Sebastian, please look up."

Sebastian hesitated before tilting his head up again. What else could he do but bring his gaze to that mouth, that nose, those eyes? He'd never been so close to Fenris before.

"Thank you."

"Ah, you're welcome."

Fenris' own gaze was darting about his features, studying his face. Sebastian had had plenty of moments like this before, just before a kiss. He was sure this wild idea was only in his own mind but he could not let that happen. He wanted to. He recognised that, and pulled away ever so slowly, hoping Fenris would sit up again, his hand left where it was indicating that he didn't want to remove himself completely.

Fenris stayed leaning forward, very much looking like he was about to slide off the chair and join Sebastian on the floor. Instead he glanced over to the side, at the broken bottle, at the page that had been dropped down next to it. "I think... that I should like to visit you in the Chantry, for the next. I would not want to associate the way this mansion looks now with the content of these papers. It will soon sink back into ruin if I have anything to do with it."

"Fenris, you are too hard on yourself." he moved back further as Fenris bent to pick up the bottle.

"Perhaps. I am stopping before it goes any further. Soon I will no longer enjoy the wine."

Fenris handed the paper back to Sebastian, who went to the pouch to put it back in its place. The distance restored, Sebastian could look over at him as much as he wanted without feeling that intense guilt inside him. _I am stopping before it goes any further._

Fenris saw him out. "I have not stated this openly but if you need me for anything, you need only say the word."

Sebastian shook his head and smiled. "I do not need anything in kind, Fenris."

Fenris returned a little smile, leaning against the doorframe. "I know. But think of me if you do."

"I will." _Let go, let go._ "Goodnight."

 

"All men are the work of our Maker's hands, from the lowest slaves to the highest Kings. Those who bring harm without provocation to the least of His children-"

"Hey!"

"Isabela."

"I'm bored."

"I see. And you came to the Chantry to...?"

"See how you cope."

"My life is not boring, Isabela. It's full of purpose."

"So is mine. We just have different purposes." she poked at the melted wax of an unlit candle.

"Indeed. Can I help you with anything, or shall I continue?"

"How do you manage a tan when you stay indoors so much?"

He gave an exasperated sigh, although he could not remain annoyed at her. "You are lost, and you seek guidance."

"Sadly no. Try again?"

He rubbed his brow. "What do you want, Isabela?"

"I want to break you out of this lifestyle, but since that's not going to happen, I'll settle for knowing if the mansion is as clean as we left it. He hasn't invited me back, you know. After all I did for him." She sauntered closer. "But I heard _you've_ been back. Every day."

"You know, if you stay you can ask him yourself. He is coming here later."

Isabela folded her arms. "And you're both coming to the Hanged Man afterwards."

Sebastian chuckled. "That was a long way to get around to the invitation."

"Oh, Sebastian. You know as well as I do there's nothing like a little build up." She winked and walked away.

Sebastian shook his head. She had even said his name in a sultry way. Of all the people he had known, she could so easily and effortlessly turn on the seduction and make it completely harmless at the same time. It was part of her charm, but it didn't last long. He kept going over the way Fenris had said his name. It was rarely used; Fenris tended to just open conversations with whoever he was addressing and Sebastian had become used to that. So remembering the way he had felt Fenris' lips in his hair, the warmth of his hands, and heard the intimate tone of his voice... _Sebastian... Sebastian, please look up..._

He swallowed and brought his concentration back to the part of the Chant he was selecting for his sermon.

 

"It's a good idea for you to lead the Chant more often," said Elthina, "your voice is strong, and holds a truth that the people can hear."

"Thank you, Grand Cleric."

"Have you been reciting it outside the Chantry walls?"

"I would gladly do more."

"Does that mean you wait for an appropriate moment, only to never find it?" She seemed to take his silence as confirmation. "Come, Sebastian. Sing for us now. Show us the joy in the words of Andraste."

The request took him by surprise, but he only needed a few moments to compose himself before he chose _Transfigurations 12_. Its verses lent themselves so well to melody - he had heard at least three different ways of singing it but always went back to the Starkhaven way, starting high and deepening through the four lines rather than rising as was the common way. They were both beautiful, but his voice was used to this.

He sang.

Any small amount of self-consciousness he had melted away as he sang to the Maker in both prayer and devotion. He heard the great door of the Chantry and it made him even more determined not to falter. If it was Fenris, let him see who he was. It was such a relief, such a relief to be free of doubt. He turned, and met Fenris' surprised gaze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're curious, what Sebastian is singing can be found [here](http://dragonage.wikia.com/wiki/Chant_of_Light_verses#Transfigurations_12)


	8. Chapter 8

Elthina welcomed Fenris with a few words while Sebastian finished his song. The warrior's stance was wary and he said little. When Sebastian had sung the final note the people that had stopped to listen returned to what they were doing and he walked over to Elthina.

"Well done, Sebastian. That was a fine performance."

He bowed a little. "Thank you."

She left them and he smiled at Fenris. "Hello."

Fenris nodded and shifted on his feet.

"Come, upstairs. We can sit there." Sebastian led him up to one of the desks and Fenris held out the folded page. "All business then?" he asked with a smile.

Fenris looked at the floor.

"What's wrong?"

Fenris shook his head.

What had happened? "Ah, it wasn't my singing, was it?"

Fenris smiled but didn't look up. "It was beautiful."

"But...?"

"I do not like it here."

Sebastian felt the disappointment go through his body. Everything sank. "Oh?"

"I don't belong here. This is your world."

"That's not true, Fenris. The Maker has a place for every-"

"Stop." Fenris closed his eyes. "Just read."

The command was not angry like the first night but still sullen and Sebastian did not quite know how to respond except to follow the instruction. The page wasn't in the Tevinter language this time. "This is a letter to Danarius," he explained before starting on the main part of the text, "thank you for your interest in the incident. Attached is a list of the sales made by the party that came across the site. This was hard to trace and I am as always surprised by your obsession with the elf boy. I would have thought the starmetal more valuable. There are rumours that you have special plans for him. You have been contacting many people and so everyone is talking about him. However until you make his name public his fame will not overtake yours, he will always be known as _Danarius' pet_." Sebastian felt his throat go dry and he reached for his glass of water, taking a sip. It felt as though there was a solid wall between them and he was strengthening it with every word. He didn't want that. He wanted to break it down.

"Is that it?"

"It... pretty much. I... Fenris, are you uneasy here?"

"I thought I made that clear?" His tone then softened. "I didn't want to be. But this place _owns_ you. It puts you where I can't reach."

"You're wrong, Fenris. I serve the Maker but I'm right here. I do good work in His name and you can too."

"Don't."

"Spend time with me here. Let me show you-"

Fenris' chair scraped. "Stop."

Sebastian silenced himself.

"Coming here was a bad idea. And I think that we should take a break for a few days. This is too much. I'm sorry, Sebastian."

Sebastian watched him go, barely hearing the light footsteps the elf made. He stared down at the letter in his hands. _Danarius' pet... starmetal... obsession..._ He folded it and tried to dispel the jumble of words. He remembered Isabela telling him he should go to the Hanged Man. It seemed so pointless now. They wouldn't miss him there. After all, it was not his world any more.

 

On the second day, he went out with Hawke, Merrill and Varric on a "trap-hunting party" on the Wounded coast. Isabela would have been more suitable than Merrill but he didn't suggest it as he didn't want any awkward questions. Varric had no more than usual. On the fourth day he bumped into Hawke who informed him that they had located a carta hideout and to be alert just in case he was needed. On that fifth day he waited til the evening and went to the Hanged Man. It would benefit him to stay in the loop, and if he stayed away too long people might start wondering.

"About time you showed up." Isabela was frowning. "I didn't want to be seen in the Chantry twice in one week, it would ruin my reputation."

"I didn't know you were so eager to see me."

"How else are you going to get the news? Visiting Darktown yourself?"

"What news?"

"Fenris got hurt. Nasty trap sliced his side. Now he's being kept in Anders' clinic and he _hates_ it."

_Fenris got hurt. Fenris got hurt._ "He's... he's okay?"

Isabela shrugged. "Why don't you go see?"

Isabela didn't waste her strikes when she was going in for the kill.

Sebastian walked out but headed up. To Hightown. To the Chantry. To safety. The steps had never been so exhausting before. His throat felt so constricted and he took a few moments to gasp in the cool evening air before opening the large doors. He would have an early night and wait for the shock to pass. Fenris didn't need him rushing to his side and adding to his annoyance. There was nothing he could do to help.

His breathing remained laboured and he suffered with the fast pounding of his heart for what felt like hours. He had no idea what time it was when he finally fell asleep but his restless limbs ached all night.

 

On the sixth day he went to find Fenris.

He didn't usually go into Darktown on his own but he wasn't going to wait for an excuse to follow Hawke and the others. They usually took different routes towards the clinic, a precaution that may not have served for much but that was taken anyway. This time Sebastian went by the shortest possible way without climbing down Hawke's cellar. He approached the lit lanterns. The doors were closed. If he knocked, he may not be answered so he went in and closed the door behind him.

"What do you want?" Anders approached him.

Sebastian looked around. There was no sign of Fenris.

Anders scoffed. "You're too late. Now if you don't need anything, go."

"Too late?" Sebastian wasn't able to process that quickly enough.

"We took him back in the middle of the night. He wanted to be in his own bed."

His own bed. In Hightown. Just minutes away from where he'd been. Sebastian didn't know how he kept from running all the way back. Eventually he made it to Fenris' door. The heat rose up his neck as he let himself in as inconspicuously as possible. He wondered how he should make himself known. If he should call out, or just go straight up to the bedroom.

"What are you doing?"

"Aaaah!" Sebastian turned as Fenris emerged from a side door. A stealthy rogue he turned out to be. "Fenris!"

Fenris cocked an eyebrow. "Did you expect Aveline?"

"No... no..." his gaze flicked up and down, taking him in. Fenris was wearing a pair of faded leggings and a laced up shirt. He couldn't see any injuries but knew there must be a large bandage under the shirt.

"You heard, then."

"I did. I-" he bit his lip but he could not bite back his words. "I was worried for you."

The corner of Fenris' mouth pulled up a little and he walked towards him. "So I see," he said, gesturing to the lockpick.

Sebastian hurriedly put it away in his pocket. His fingers touched the page he had been carrying around since their last meeting. "Here."

Fenris took it between his fingers but didn't pull it from Sebastian's grasp. "I didn't expect this."

"What, exactly?"

"That you... that you'd become so important to me."

Sebastian thought back to the moment he had walked in on Fenris with the documents. "Any of the others would have done the same-"

"No." Fenris backed him up against the door. "No. It's because it's you. And I don't understand everything about you, and I don't agree with everything you want, but..." he placed his hands either side of Sebastian, against the door, "these six days have been so damn _lonely_."

Sebastian could only think _you've been counting too?_ before Fenris leaned in and kissed him.


	9. Chapter 9

Fenris' breath was warm and his lips were soft, pressing softly but insistently against Sebastian's. There was not a single note of wine in the kiss. Sebastian's hands wavered. Arms? Hips? Push? Pull? Fenris wasn't drunk, did he really want him? The thought of desire made him stop, and Fenris pulled back before he could figure it all out.

He stayed close, not meeting Sebastian's gaze at first. "I've missed you."

Sebastian was aware that he should say something. _Do_ something. "I... I promised that I'd stay by your side, then I avoided you."

"I foolishly asked you to."

"You needed the break."

"It drove me crazy. I missed your voice. I missed your... comfort." he seemed displeased with the word and pulled back.

Sebastian reached for him without thinking, the movement halted immediately afterwards but not unnoticed.

"I was wondering when I'd see a reaction."

"Fenris..."

"I know. I won't." Fenris touched Sebastian's covered arms, one hand over leather, one hand over armour, fingers tracing over stitches and seams, bracers and buckles.

Sebastian watched him explore, his own gaze taking in the sight of Fenris' bare hands, the way the muscles of his forearms moved behind the lyrium lines. He reached for him then, hands resting lightly on slim hips, careful to avoid the injured side. "I missed you too. I'm sorry you got hurt."

Fenris smiled, moving closer until cloth touched armour, arms brushing against fur as he slid them around Sebastian's neck.

Sebastian knew Fenris was more than the lyrium, more than the pain he must have felt. He moved his arms up to pull him close so they were pressed together. He was more than someone who he wanted to help. Sebastian didn't know if he could offer anything but comfort but that seemed to be enough for Fenris right now. He kept revisiting the kiss in his mind, but Fenris was more than an object of desire. Sebastian could feel the pressure against his breastplate where Fenris' chest moved with each breath he took and he knew. Fenris wasn't a diversion he was chasing. He knew what it was like to be always looking for something else. All that ended the day he chose to serve the Maker.

What he found with Fenris was something he hadn't been searching for.

Fenris started soft, breathless laughter, his shoulders shaking.

_What?_

"I'm sorry... I want to hold you, but- I don't know what's more awkward, your prow on my neck or Andraste against my... stomach."

Sebastian looked down and had to smile. Fenris had laughed and it could only be a good thing.

Fenris stroked his fingers lightly on the strap that crossed Sebastian's body. "Still can't convince you to take this off?"

Sebastian arched an eyebrow. "If you've tried, I missed it."

Fenris gave a lopsided smile. "We'll get cold here. Come."

"Okay..." Sebastian followed him. "Have you done much to the place since I was last here?"

"A little. Before the clinic." There was no fire lit in the room they usually read in and Fenris set about preparing it. "The second room upstairs is now suitable for guests."

"You don't have guests."

Fenris looked at him. "...not many, no." He got a small blaze going. "You could try it out. Tell me if it's comfortable."

"The Chantry is two flights of steps away."

"I have invited you. That is all." He stood, his hand on the back of the chair, the glowing firelight falling on his lightly tousled hair, his soft shirt, his skin.

Sebastian moved closer, his gaze on the lyrium and how it seemed to shine at the edge of the flickering light.

Fenris, noticing his fascination, held his arm up.

"Oh- I'm sorry."

"You can look. I don't mind."

Sebastian cupped the offered wrist. Without the gauntlets, it was easy to see that Fenris did have the delicate elvhen bone structure. It was usually overshadowed by his powerful muscles and imposing presence. He followed the lines that had been seared into his hands and hated what they represented, hated imagining someone doing that to him. His hand clenched a little as the thought of what they must have done to him to keep him still went through him and ignited his anger.

"Sebastian."

It took him a moment but he relaxed his grip, although he didn't let go.

"What are you thinking?"

"I'd like to fire a whole quiver's worth at each one of those _monsters_. It wouldn't be enough. It would never be enough."

Fenris turned his palm down and held Sebastian's wrist. He pulled him closer. "I have a theory."

Sebastian gave a nod. "I'd like to hear it."

Fenris glanced off to the side. "I don't remember any of it, but this 'competition' that Varania mentioned... I was always meant to win it, wasn't I? This wouldn't have worked for anyone else. Just me. He knew I was different. And he knew just how to manipulate me to make me believe anything he wanted."

"From what we've read, you may be right. I'd believe it of him." Sebastian wished he'd never seen the man in person, despite the satisfaction of seeing him die at Fenris' hands.

Fenris moved his hand down and Sebastian loosened his hold. Their fingertips slid against each other and Fenris didn't let him break the contact completely. "I trust you."

Sebastian took Fenris' hand in his and held it. "Thank you." There was nothing else he could say to that.

Fenris lifted his free hand to Sebastian's breastplate. He winced and let out a ragged breath.

"Are you alright?"

"It didn't do that before," he said softly.

"Are you tired? Or could it be that Anders' magic is fading?"

"The mage has done his part. No, I must rest."

"I should go then?"

"No. Not yet. Please." Fenris sat down and sighed. "You are free to go of course, no matter what I say."

"You want me to stay though. I am glad to know that."

"Yes, I want you to stay."

The other chair seemed so far away but he made his way to it, the proximity to the fire warming him and all the places Fenris had touched.

Fenris said nothing, staring into the fire, the corners of his mouth sloping downward.

Sebastian had not planned beyond seeing Fenris. He could stay. He could make himself comfortable. He wanted Fenris to be comfortable too. However, he could not remove his armour so easily. It had few layers, nothing compared to the layers of reasons he should keep it all on. He debated with himself and decided there would be no harm in removing his arm and chest armour.

He started unbuckling his bracer. He did not look up but the slight movement in his peripheral vision convinced him Fenris had turned his head to watch him. He followed the same movement as every night, the same parts removed first, the same way of placing them on the table next to him. He pulled the strap of his quiver up over his head and placed it carefully on the floor, leaning against the table leg. He knew its balance, knew the arrows would not topple it in this position. Lastly he worked on undoing his breastplate, feeling the lightness as he removed it, a lightness that he was not used to in company.

He breathed in, and looked up into those green eyes. "I trust you too."


	10. Chapter 10

Fenris rested his gaze on the fire again. "I have little to offer you except my company, but as you are not complaining, I will take it that it satisfies."

"I am sure you don't need convincing that yours is the company I enjoy most out of all the people I met alongside Hawke."

"Isn't it odd? A Chantry Brother and an escaped slave."

"You could also say a prince and an elf. It does not matter which labels we are given. We were all created equal in the eyes of the Maker."

Fenris thought for a moment. "I wonder how much of your tolerance was learned in the Chantry. You say much of your past vices but nothing of your virtues."

Sebastian smiled. "You believe I had any?"

"You could not have become the man you are now without them."

That had to be one of the best compliments he'd ever received.

Fenris shifted in his chair. "Are you warm enough? Can I offer you anything?"

"I'm quite comfortable, thank you." Sebastian rested his ankle on his knee. "You don't need to worry about me. Look after yourself. Make sure you get what you need."

Fenris went over to him and placed his hands on the armrests, leaning down. He planted a light kiss on Sebastian's lips and pulled away out of reach again. Whatever he did, it was never enough to make Sebastian say _I can't_.

 

It was Anders who convinced Hawke to finally give in and invite Fenris on a bandit hunt by threatening to drag him to the Deep Roads if he didn't stop complaining about being left behind. Hawke wanted to clear out some darkspawn that had appeared near Sundermount but was prudent enough to postpone it until they were sure Fenris could fight to his maximum.

He seemed to be having no problems. Aveline had tipped them off on a fake merchant itinerary which had been leaked on purpose but as no guards had been assigned to it she was willing to let Hawke play. Half of them were already dead.

Sebastian wondered what kind of cargo had been advertised for them to bring such a number. He had his suspicion that 'I haven't decided on the roster yet' meant 'I set this up just for you'.

They had fought together enough that Sebastian had started to predict some of his companions' moves. When Anders backed away from the fight he was careful not to impede the trajectory of his ice spell; when Merrill was surrounded he stayed away and let her draw them in with her ancient magic. Fenris was backed against the rock. He knew what was coming for at least one of the three opponents. Sebastian drew his bow ready to fire at one of the others. Fenris snarled and his lyrium glowed blue. Sebastian was surprised by a second, louder yell as Fenris rushed at them in a frenzy, their blood covering him. Sebastian's aim wavered. It seemed he had felled them all instantly. Fenris looked around, fixing his eyes on another target, the one Hawke had engaged in combat. He ran at them and in one hit they were done for.

Fenris' eyes were glowing blue. Sebastian had never seen that on him before - it reminded him of Justice manifesting himself through Anders.

"Fenris, it's okay." Hawke said.

Fenris cupped his face and let out a moan before collapsing onto his knees. Sebastian and Anders ran towards him.

"Fenris!"

He didn't look up. Anders healed him but he didn't recover, slumped and losing consciousness.

"What's wrong, what-"

Fenris passed out.

 

Sebastian had insisted on carrying him back to Kirkwall. Hawke suggested the clinic but Anders was sure it would benefit nobody and clearly preferred taking him to his mansion. Sebastian was in a very different mood than the last time he had carried Fenris to bed. He was anxious and tired, and unsettled at the sheer amount of blood Fenris was covered in.

They removed Fenris' armour and tunic and Anders checked him over again, paying special attention to the cut in his side.

"It is not infected. In fact, it is healing remarkably well. It's his bloody lyrium. If he insists on using it, it'll probably kill him sooner than a blade will."

"Don't say that!" Sebastian stopped himself from grabbing Anders' coat. "You have no proof of that, you don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, do you have a better idea? We all saw the same thing."

Hawke stepped in. "Anders, let's just see how he is tomorrow. It might be nothing."

Anders scoffed, looking Sebastian up and down. "And you're willing to be his nursemaid."

Sebastian straightened. "I will do what I can for him. He's my friend."

"Right. Pray. That'll do him some good."

Hawke ushered him out and as soon as they had left Sebastian checked again for any sign Fenris was about to wake up. He touched the back of his hand to Fenris' cheek and forehead and they felt hot. He had noticed Fenris was warm anyway and couldn't be sure if it was normal. He was no healer, but if it had anything to do with the lyrium, there was one thing he could do.

He pulled out the documents and spread them over the desk, scanning them for anything that could help, anything at all. He pushed the drawings to one side, ignoring their contents, and anything in the Tevinter language he also removed. He didn't care if they ended up out of order. Right now, he had to find something, and he knew he could find it faster than reading it out loud. Fenris' reaction to lyrium was mentioned again but he could not get through the accounts of increased exposure.

Sebastian stopped at a document which described the procedure that had given Fenris his markings. He could not read complete sentences of it without looking away. He felt helpless. The words weren't making sense any more and his emotions were overriding everything else. He did need to pray. Not for Fenris this time, but to find the strength to be there for him. He knelt, and when he was ready he got up and gathered the papers, putting them away.

He moved a chair to Fenris' bedside. "I'm here," he said softly, "I'm here."

His mind wandered as he watched the unconscious elf, and while he was wondering if he should pull the coverlet over him, his gaze was drawn yet again to the long red scar that curved around, crossing several lines of lyrium, and finished just under Fenris' right rib. _Branding. Stamina. Power. Glowing. Screaming._ He leaned forward. The lyrium lines had been cut. His breathing quickened. Fenris had learned to control his power through the markings.

The lyrium had seeped into his blood, and when he ignited it, he was raw power all over. He had burnt out.

Sebastian stroked Fenris' hair away from his face. "I'm sorry," he whispered, "I'm sorry you have this burden." _What are you?_ "I just want you to be okay, I don't care about anything else." _What do you need?_ "Please, wake up."

He leaned down and hesitantly pressed his lips to Fenris'. _What am I doing?_ Sebastian sat up straight again and rubbed his face.

After he had watched Fenris for an hour, Sebastian made his way to the guest bedroom, exhausted, his back hurting and his heart heavy.


	11. Chapter 11

Fenris was breathing heavily. Anders held his wrist to check his pulse and said it was erratic. His temperature was up. He had a fever.

Sebastian wanted to drag back time and tell Anders what he'd noticed the night before. He had felt it. He had done nothing. His pride had been goaded by Anders' words but it was the regret that hurt him most. He didn't even know if it would have made a difference but the possibility was there like an open wound.

"I cannot stay away from the clinic long. Watching him won't help but if he worsens bring him to me."

"What? You said you didn't want him there," Sebastian's blood quickened at the chance to leap in and take action, "now it turns out that's exactly where he should be!"

"He didn't show these signs at the time."

"Maybe if you'd paid more attention instead of letting your personal feelings get in the way-"

"Personal feelings? What in Andraste's name are you talking about?"

"You hate him - you wanted to dump him in his mansion so he wouldn't use up a bed for someone more important!"

"Listen to yourself!" Anders stood tall, facing him head on. "Every patient is important. Don't think you know me because you really don't."

Sebastian opened his mouth to retort but Anders cut in again. There was nobody else there to pull them apart.

"Personal feelings- I think we both know who's letting them cloud their judgement."

Sebastian's face was almost a snarl. "Your judgement was off then and it is now!"

"I was wrong! But I'm helping now. What are _you_ doing? Go back to the bloody Chantry, nobody needs you here."

He wanted to say _You're wrong, Fenris needs me_ or _You're wrong, you need my help_ but he was choked by that last line.

Anders turned away from him as he stumbled back and hurried out of the mansion. He needed air. He needed to find his strength again. He couldn't go on in a blind panic trying to be something he couldn't. Anders became a voice from his memories _Go to the Chantry, nobody needs you_ but the Chantry wasn't somewhere he could run to, not when he was pushed there. He knew that. Even if it was his purpose, his home. He couldn't go there now. He didn't know what he needed.

Sebastian slowed and put his hand against the cold stone of a wall. He leant back against it and just breathed.

It helped. The shade. The bustle of the market. The birds perched on the balcony above him. The distant sound of the water below. He closed his eyes for a moment, just a moment. He wasn't going to let himself fall prey to a petty thief. He needed to walk, to think. He looked back the way he came. The Chantry was his sanctuary. He would go there, but he could not do it yet.

He walked and walked, and only when he was a mile outside the city did the thinking start. Anders was right. He shouldn't be surprised that the healer was so perceptive. Sebastian had feelings for Fenris, strong feelings. Something he was going to have to reconcile with his duty to the Chantry sooner or later. Those kisses, he could convince himself that they had been chaste, despite his desires. The affection between them was real and he would not apologise for it. There was something more troubling to him than whether or not his actions had been appropriate.

Since when did Fenris become his responsibility?

Why did he take it upon himself to ensure Fenris' wellbeing? It wasn't as if he lacked people who would look out for him - Hawke, Isabela, Varric, even Anders now, and Aveline, in her own way. Was it really Sebastian's place to direct the way Fenris was cared for?

He knew that it wasn't and yet he knew that he should continue to do what he felt was right. Fenris did need him. Let him say he'd overstepped the mark once he was awake and well. Sebastian stood up. The others could advise all they wanted but not instruct him - he had to have faith in himself. He knew that Fenris would want him to look after him. Not because he kept his secrets, not because it was a good deed, but because he trusted him to.

Sebastian declined a lift back from a passing merchant. He would go to the Chantry, and by the time he made it to Fenris' mansion, Anders would be long gone. Fenris might even be awake. He tilted his head as he saw something glint at the side of the road. He looked around, wary of a trap. He approached the wilderness that concealed it, stepping down a short bank to get to it. After another look around he crouched. It appeared to be a blade. He pulled it out and recognised the Qunari style that Hawke had been returning. What was it doing out here? He didn't remember any battles along this stretch of road. Unless it had fallen from a merchant. He didn't have a way to holster a blade that size so he carried it hilt first, hoping not to be too conspicuous.

 

He'd delivered it to Hawke, who kept him a little too longer than he'd liked, and told Elthina, who asked about where he'd been.

"And yet you look as if you are about to leave us again."

"Your Grace, I must visit Fenris. He needs... care."

"It seems every cause you take up pulls you further each time. First your family. Then Hawke. Now this elf."

"Further? I hope that you can see I am not the man I was when I turned against my vows."

"No, you are not. You are less conflicted than you were then."

"But you don't think me dedicated?"

"I cannot see into your heart, Sebastian."

If anyone were to read his heart and mind they would have trouble seeing anything but Fenris. Sebastian looked up at the statue of the Maker. _Can you see into my heart?_

"Go to him. Pray for him. Do the Maker's work."

He had not needed her permission but he bowed and took the opportunity nonetheless.

As he exited the Chantry he thought he recognised Anders in his peripheral vision. He couldn't be sure, but if so it was strange he would still be in Hightown. He strode towards Fenris' mansion as quickly as he could just in case.

 

"Fenris?" Sebastian thought it only polite to call. He jogged up the stairs and as soon as he entered his room he spotted the note, although he was distracted by the sight of Fenris, flushed and gripping the thin sheets. He hadn't improved. "Fenris?"

No response.

He left his bow by the bed and removed his gloves before kneeling by the bed and scanning the note. Anders had left a few brief instructions on what to do for him. Sebastian would have to find a cloth and a bowl for water but for now he turned to Fenris and wiped his damp brow with the back of his hand. Maker, he was hot. His white hair was also damp and stayed pushed back where Sebastian's hand had moved it.

Sebastian stared at his face but suddenly he wasn't thinking of Fenris at all. He turned towards the note. That was Fenris' quill. He opened the drawer - paper, writing practice, and Danarius' documents.


	12. Chapter 12

_Anders. Anders has read it all- no. I have no proof. Maker, if he has-_

"Messere?"

Sebastian left Fenris' side to see who had entered. Orana was in the hall, carrying a basket. "Did Hawke send a care package for Fenris?"

She nodded.

"Can you spare a few more moments? I need your help, if you don't mind."

"Of course, messere."

As she made her way up the stairs, he explained, "I need to find some clean clothes and bedding for him."

She set the basket down and started searching the rooms; it didn't take her long to find something. Sebastian removed all his armour then lifted Fenris off the bed and knelt on the ground with him while she changed the bedding. He cradled him with one arm and worked on removing his clothing. His tunic was already open from when Anders had checked him and was relatively easy to remove. His leggings were more awkward and Sebastian's request for assistance stalled in his throat as he pulled them down past Fenris' hips. He hadn't meant to look but it hadn't occurred to him to think about whether or not Fenris wore anything else underneath. He didn't. Fenris shivered and Sebastian pulled him close, trying to tug the leggings the rest of the way. Orana turned and helped him, showing little reaction to seeing Fenris naked. Sebastian didn't want to think about why.

"Before I put him back, can you bring a bowl of water and a cloth please?"

Left alone with the sound of his heartbeat, Sebastian realised just how fast it was pounding. He wasn't sure he could be in this situation with anyone other than Orana. She came back and knelt by them, squeezing the water out of the cloth and wiping the sweat from Fenris' skin with gentle movements. Fenris shivered again.

Sebastian helped Orana dress Fenris in a shirt that was a little too big for him, before tucking him back into bed.

"You're okay, Fenris," Sebastian said, stroking his soft hair, "you're okay." He turned to Orana. "What exactly did Hawke send?"

She brought him the basket and he saw there was a small bottle of Antivan liqueur, some expensive cold meats and preserves - food that would last more than a few days, he noted - as well as a pie, wrapped up. He wasn't sure how much Fenris really needed these things but was grateful for the thought behind them.

"Did you make this?"

"Yes, messere. I baked it this morning."

He had once asked her to call him Sebastian and she had been so sure she could not that he did not press the issue. It was the same for all of Hawke's friends.

"Thank you. I would accompany you back to the house to thank Hawke myself but I need to stay..." he hesitated, wanting to send for Anders, but he could not ask that of her, and even he knew it was petty to call for him without cause. He would have to confront him next time they met.

She bowed. "I hope he is better soon."

 

Sebastian had paced, flicked through the books scattered in the mansion, answered the door to Isabela, who stayed with him only until he suggested they pray together. He did pray, on his own, and wandered the mansion again. He had rushed to the bedside when Fenris whimpered and thrashed in an apparent nightmare and he tended to him, wiping his brow once he calmed down. He lit the candles in Fenris' room and sat on the edge of the bed. It took him a few seconds to realise Fenris' eyes were open a little way, his gaze directed at the corner of the room.

"Fenris?"

Fenris blinked but did not turn to him.

Sebastian repeated his name and leaned over him.

Fenris took a long intake of breath and closed his eyes.

"Are you okay?" Sebastian whispered.

Fenris turned towards the wall and curled on his side. His voice was weak. "I am fine."

Sebastian slowly sat up straight again.

"I... I am so glad to see you awake."

Fenris said nothing.

"Hawke sent some food. If you would like any..."

Fenris wrapped his arms around himself. After a long silence, he said, "I am not hungry."

"Is there anything I can do? Are you in pain? Should I-" _tell Anders._ No, he could not hesitate if Fenris needed him.

"Do not worry. I..."

"Water?"

Fenris sighed "...very well."

When Sebastian came back with it Fenris was sitting up but still would not make eye contact. He watched him drink, searching for any signs he was pushing himself too hard already.

Fenris' gaze flicked down to the bow and armour on the floor before he set the water down and shuffled back down. "I am tired."

Sebastian nodded. "Do you want me to stay?"

Fenris closed his eyes. "No."

He felt shame flood through him, reality baring his expectations. The fantasy of Fenris needing him, wanting him, being comforted by him. The shame of kissing him, holding him, undressing him while he was unconscious. The latter had been innocent but Fenris' rejection had made him question even that. It was guilt, but more than that his faith had been shaken. His faith in himself. He tried to quell it as best he could, his attention on gathering his things.

_Time. He needs time._

 

The tension in his body was making him ache all over and he made his way behind the Chantry to the makeshift target he had set up for practice. He didn't miss; part of him wanted to miss, wanted to be punished but after a few shots his aim was as true as ever. He fired and fired until he exhausted all his arrows. He let his breath come out hard and he could feel his emotions wanting to burst through his restraint. He approached the target and his hands shook as he pulled at the arrows. Head bowed, he went to his room and stripped completely, leaving his armour unchecked as he got into bed. This _tension_ , this frustration - he knew one way to get rid of it but he struggled with the idea. He did not have a moral aversion to it, for him it had never been a source of guilt as long as it was only to release tension in his body.

Now, it was all guilt. How could he keep from thinking of Fenris while he did it? He closed his hand around his cock, biting his lip hard. Anger, longing, betrayal, jealousy - he didn't have anything to feel jealous about but it clawed at him anyway - and lust. The lust he felt for Fenris' body, he would get it over with and work that out of himself. He groaned at the rough strokes he was punishing himself with, panting and bending one knee, digging his heel into the bed. _Fenris... Maker, Fenris why didn't you look at me..._ He arched and stroked faster, turning his head to press his cheek against the pillow as he sought release as quickly as possible. He chased away each fantasy, each image of Fenris in his arms, Fenris naked, Fenris _Fenris_ "Oh- oh-" He choked back his cries and pressed his face into the pillow, his body shuddering and coming hard.


	13. Chapter 13

Sebastian spent the morning in silence and sobered emotions.

"How is he?" Elthina asked.

"Recovering."

"And you?"

He had no answer.

After finishing all the menial tasks he could find, he changed into his robes. Elthina gave him permission to sit in the confessional and he pulled down the draped curtain to indicate he was there. He had always thought it ironic, that he revealed his presence by hiding himself, but he understood that people wanted the Maker to forgive them, not the person listening. Thus, he became a symbol of the Chantry as much as the one embroided on the cloth.

His parents had made him sit on the other side of the screen many times when he was younger. He could still remember the one in Starkhaven so clearly. It was on the south facing side, the sun from the window always on his back, always so hot. What had once been bright red furnishings had faded, the sun glaring from the varnish they had used to stop the wood cracking and drying. The Mother was always concealed in darkness, a door shutting her in completely. He had often tried to peek but the only thing he could see was the pattern of squares around his shadow. The Mother sat too far back for the sunbeams to fall on her face so he only ever saw her robe, the smell of incense seeping through the gaps.

The Kirkwall Chantry used it so rarely that every time it was lit his memory took him straight back there. The screen in this confessional had little circles in a slanted pattern to separate another booth just like his, with another curtain. The top of the booth had the same pattern. It let enough light in to read the passages from the Chant that had been attached to the wall.

He noticed someone entering and turned from them, looking straight at the back of the curtain.

"Maker, forgive my sins." It was a woman's voice, hushed but not nervous.

"The Maker hears you."

She told him how she had wanted to steal from her aunt. Not money or trinkets but the attention of a mutual acquaintance. He heard another repent for reciting the chant incorrectly. He waited but no more came. It seemed the morning crowd had dissipated.

When he came out he was hungry. He could go to the Hanged Man - he didn't want to repeat his mistake from last time and avoid society completely - and if he couldn't find out how Fenris was, visit him.

 

"No, I'm serious! You should offer it as a 'special service'."

"Isabela!" Anders was laughing, leaning to the side so much that he looked as though he was about to fall of his chair.

Sebastian forgot all about ordering his stew and made his way to him, feeling utterly indignant. "Anders, a word?"

Isabela greeted him before hiding the last of her giggles behind her drink.

Anders lost his amused expression by the time they had reached a relatively quiet corner. "What is it? Do you need me to see Fenris?"

"When you got the paper, there were some letters in a leather-"

Anders waved his hand dismissively. "I read it all. What I could, anyway."

Sebastian stared. He was not even trying to hide it. "How can you- even when you saw what it was? Those were personal!"

"I'm betting _you've_ read them."

"I had permission!"

"And I need to know what I'm dealing with! I'm supposed to heal him and- his sister was a mage. I thought that might have something to do with his ability, some twisted form of magic in him but now I know she wasn't his sister at all. He's something else entirely, how do you explain it? What is he?"

Sebastian clenched his hands into fists. "What does it matter?"

"Who knows what repeated magic will do to his lyrium?"

"So you'll stop healing him!"

"Oh, save the self-righteous accusation. Of course not. But you don't have all the answers either. I saw him this morning. He was fine."

Fine. Like he was fine last night.

"Do I have to intervene?"

They turned to see Isabela, hands on hips.

"Because that's one long word. Are you done?"

"I'm done." Anders said, glaring at him.

"Good. Let's get some sea air."

"You mean the smell of the docks?"

"Same thing."

Sebastian knew the invitation didn't extend to him and he was satisfied with that. Funnily enough, he felt better and found he had an appetite after all.

 

He thought there was nobody else in the mansion at first, then he heard Hawke's laughter. He went to the side room and found Fenris there with Aveline as well. It felt like a long time since he had last been there. Fenris did look at him, and thanked him for coming, but otherwise Sebastian felt like a complete outsider to the conversation. He was uneasy at being unwanted, but somehow slept a lot better that night.

 

_Many are those who wander in sin, despairing that they are lost forever, but the one who repents, who has faith, unshaken by the darkness of the world..._

Sebastian was reading the chant in the confessional when he heard the creak of someone entering the other booth. He sat up a little straighter.

"Sebastian?"

"Fenris?" He looked. Of course he looked. He could just see him through the holes carved in the screen.

His voice was soft. "I want to tell you... I want to talk."

Sebastian closed his eyes and rested his temple against the screen. "You know I'm supposed to say 'The Maker hears you'."

"Let him." Fenris sighed. "I have had... I don't know if they're dreams, or memories, or my imagination. I saw so many things. Are my memories coming back? I saw strange things..."

Sebastian whispered, "What did you see?"

"I saw my mother. My- she had red hair, like Varania. I remember her." Fenris' tone turned anxious. "I had a strange dream, I don't know what it means. I saw myself, as a child. I fell into his arms and then everything was destroyed..."

Sebastian wished he could reach through the screen to him.

Fenris stood.

"Please, don't go."

Sebastian caught a glimpse of him leaving the booth and pressed his forehead onto his knuckles in frustration. The shuffle of cloth caught his attention as Fenris slipped into his booth.

"Fenris!" he whispered, "you can't come in here!"

"I don't care." Fenris leaned down and cupped his face. "I was scared, and I pushed you away. But being scared alone is my own foolish decision. One which I hope not to repeat."

Sebastian placed his hands over his. "I've been thinking of my mistakes too."

Fenris moved close and straddled his lap.

"Fenris!"

"Shhh..." he chuckled and brushed his fingers against Sebastian's bottom lip, "you are going to get us caught. I tried. I know that... that this is wrong, but I cannot resist you. I do not want to." He leaned in and kissed him, sliding his arms around Sebastian's shoulders.

Sebastian swallowed hard, his neck tilted up. He had been thinking of Fenris as the temptation but Fenris spoke as if he had been struggling as much as Sebastian had. It was such sweet relief to have him again. He put his arms around Fenris' waist and let the kiss deepen.

_Maker, I have a confession. I'm in love with him._

-

[Art by Hobovampire](http://poor-fangarts.tumblr.com/post/26217001210/after-34567-restarts-here-is-fragilesparks)


	14. Chapter 14

Sebastian folded his robe and traced the stitching with his fingertips.

_Come to see me tonight, Sebastian. Spend the night with me._

Fenris had whispered those words before giving him one last kiss and stealing away.

He smoothed the fabric with his hands, staring at the embroidered sun. Fenris' offer was irresistible. He was going to accept it, knowingly, willingly. There was no question. He could not wear these robes again. The want in his heart was overriding every promise he thought he could keep.

Sebastian knelt on the floor and bowed his head to pray. _Andraste guide me._ Was this why Elthina wouldn't let him retake his vows? _I serve none but the Maker._ Did she think he was weak? _I remain faithful._ He didn't want to disappoint her. _But I have never known such joy._ She would know. _Such purpose._ She already knew. _When I am in his arms._ He could not turn back. _Maker forgive me._

He walked out of the Chantry, wondering if everyone he passed knew that something had changed, that he didn't intend to return that night. The weight of the bow and arrows at his back was familiar, the weight of his conscience less so. He did not see Elthina but was sure that somehow she had watched him leave and known exactly why.

 

Sebastian did not announce his presence. The glow of of the fire from the bedroom guided his steps. Fenris was sitting on one of the cushions he had scattered in front of the fire, arm resting on his bent knee. The basket Hawke had given him was nearby, as was a bottle of wine, already open.

After removing his bow Sebastian went to sit by him.

"I could set a table downstairs but that's too formal for us, I think."

"I like this."

"Wine?"

Sebastian shook his head.

"Are you saving yourself for something stronger?" Fenris said, pulling out the Antivan bottle.

"What exactly is it?"

Fenris held the bottle for a moment before passing it to him to read.

Sebastian turned it so he could see the small writing on the label. "Thick cherry and apple liqueur." He skipped the rest of the description. "It sounds very sweet."

"Maybe later then." Fenris took it back and placed it beside the wine, which he took and sipped. "There is not much here to eat, but if you are hungry, I can get more."

"Fenris, are you nervous?"

"My hospitality is inadequate."

"It most certainly is not."

The way Fenris gave him a sidelong glance and smiled made Sebastian think he wasn't looking for reassurance after all.

 

It was hard to tell how Fenris felt about Anders seeing the documents. "It is done," was all he said before moving onto other topics. He had added fresh bread to their meal so there was in fact more than they could finish. Sebastian sat up straight and arched out a kink in his back.

"I think I'll take off my armour, if you don't mind," he said, standing, "it's-"

"Let me."

"Huh?"

"Let me do it." Fenris stood. "I want to."

"Did you plan this?" Sebastian said, a smile curling at his lips.

"I have allowed myself to imagine it. Show me where to start."

Sebastian held out his arm and Fenris removed the pieces of armour one by one. He was laughing by the time he got to the chestplate.

"Here?" he grinned, brushing his fingers up Sebastian's side.

Sebastian felt the warmth on his face. "Aye, just don't let it fall."

Fenris undid it and pulled it away from Sebastian's body with care, placing it next to the rest. His hands went down to his belt and he reached behind the buckle to pull it free. Sebastian felt the weight lift as soon as it was undone. The buckle was heavy and the pockets were mostly full. Fenris gave him a glance before dropping down onto his knees to remove the armour on his legs.

Sebastian felt too tall and too awkward and a little guilty that Fenris was doing this for him. He lifted each foot in turn as Fenris removed his boots. _No. He chose this. He chose me._

When Fenris stood he was _there_ , so much closer than before, his hands sliding up Sebastian's jacket to unbuckle it.

Sebastian leaned in closer and Fenris' hands stopped and rested flat on his chest. Fenris waited for him to make the move this time. He kissed Fenris' top lip and then the bottom one until they parted and then he tilted his face. Fenris' eyes were already closing as he deepened the kiss, sliding his tongue in. Fenris started on Sebastian's jacket again, undoing it all the way and pushing it open past his shoulders.

He didn't mind that only the armour was supposed to be coming off.

The tunic he wore underneath was sleeveless and Fenris ran his hands down his bare arms.

"If you keep going I won't have any more defenses left." he said softly.

"I'm heading for that." Fenris murmured.

"Are you sure?"

Fenris brushed his fingertips back up his forearms, tracing a bulging vein. "Yours are not the only defenses that are falling. I've destroyed and been destroyed so long, it's all I know. This... it can be different," he touched Sebastian's jaw, "and you don't have to fight to be the Brother or the Prince. Not here. Not tonight."

Sebastian pulled him close and kissed him hard. He was both those things and bound to them always but in Fenris' arms it didn't matter. He was more than the choices, more than the doubts, there was something else in him that Fenris saw and reached for and Sebastian wanted to offer it all to him.

They moved towards the small bed, neither wanting the kiss to stop as they tugged off most of their clothing. Sebastian sat and Fenris straddled him again, his hands clutching and mussing Sebastian's hair. Sebastian's hands stroked up from Fenris' hips to his back, feeling the markings as he stroked up the skin. He laid back and Fenris followed, pressing on top of him, starting to breathe hard against the kiss. Sebastian's heart was beating faster and he stroked Fenris' thighs through the leggings. Fenris dragged his kiss down the side of Sebastian's chin and to his throat, where he licked the same line up and down until Sebastian was moaning, head tipped right back.

When they were both hard Fenris encouraged moving onto the bed properly and they stripped off the last of their clothing. He laid on his back and took Sebastian in hand to jerk him off as they returned to their passionate kiss. Sebastian curled his body over his and slid his hand down Fenris' torso so that he could do the same for him. The kiss became messy and unco-ordinated and Sebastian pressed his face to Fenris' neck, panting and licking where the lyrium forked. Fenris moaned and arched, sounding close. Sebastian quickened the pace and Fenris clutched at his shoulder with his free hand.

"Sebastian, Sebastian!"

His voice when he came, the way he had called out his name - it made Sebastian burn for him all the more and his body shook with pleasure as Fenris continued to work him, the grip on his cock tightening.

"Oh... ohh-" Sebastian struggled to breathe in the last few seconds before he came, his body tensing and the rough cry of Fenris' name on his lips. For every time he had held back, for every time he had fought with permission, with desire, with himself.

He had only one thought as he let exhaustion take him, spent against Fenris.

_I chose him._


	15. Chapter 15

Sebastian woke at dawn, his skin cold. He pulled a sheet over himself and Fenris, making sure they were both covered. Fenris was warm even now and Sebastian rested back down, listening to him breathe.

He wouldn't normally linger in bed, he would get up and pray while warming the water he washed with - cold water always reminded him of childhood punishment and he didn't want to start the day feeling that way. It worked for some people though, the type who made themselves suffer just to prove they were serving the Maker. He preferred helping others.

He was still pondering Chantry life when Fenris curled onto his side, facing him. It was easier to see his features now, the elvhen and the branded, beautiful and heartbreaking and unmistakeable.

Fenris opened his eyes and his initial surprise softened quickly. "Mmh," his voice was husky, "an intense gaze to wake up to..."

"Sorry. I was... staring."

Fenris gave a tired chuckle. "You don't need to apologise." He stretched a little before curling up again, content to gaze right back.

"I have been thinking a lot."

"I can imagine. Tell me."

Sebastian hesitated. It didn't seem right to barrage him with his many doubts from the moment he woke up.

Fenris shifted closer, his hand curling against Sebastian's chest. He was listening.

Sebastian slid his arm around him. It wasn't fair somehow. He didn't deserve this. "Am I just another fool who has convinced himself running away from his responsibility is all part of the Maker's plan?" Straight into the arms of a pretty lover, as he had done in his early days at the Chantry, and many others had done before him.

"I have never met anyone more faithful."

"What about Elthina?"

"She has the burden of power. You are... in earnest."

"Yet I feel like a traitor."

"Who have you betrayed? Your family who put you there? You once told me I gave myself no credit for being my own man. You are no less of a devout Andrastian for not wearing a robe." He paused before he smirked, "or anything at all."

"Fenris..." he smiled. "Thank you. I will keep that in mind." He brought his hand up and stroked the back of Fenris' neck. "What about you?"

Fenris closed his eyes. "I am trying to accept my life for what it was, but it is difficult. The more I remember, the more I hate, even though Danarius is gone. Turning it towards Varania is wrong, and I have come too far to turn it towards myself."

"Is there any way to let it go?"

"I haven't found it yet. But I have begun to hope that I will."

"You will."

Fenris smiled.

Sebastian used his thumb to stroke along the top of Fenris' ear. His words earlier had been borne out of second-guessing and guilty thoughts, but inside he felt very much at peace.

 

It was late morning by the time he went to see Elthina.

"You missed your friends."

"Oh?"

"The Champion and the healer."

"Did they ask for me?" He would have seen them if they'd stopped at Fenris' place to make up the numbers.

"No. Hawke had a lot to say about the templars, however. We must ensure the people do not rally behind this mage unrest. Our influence is needed more than ever."

Could he say it? At a time like this? "I will not be- I cannot be as much of an influence as you would wish. I can only serve... I have chosen to... to..." He took a deep breath and started again. "I cannot retake my vows. I cannot live a Brother's life."

Elthina faced him and looked him right in the eye.

"So you turn from the Maker once again?"

"I have not turned from Him!"

"You have been on this path for many years. I know how much pain it will cause you, Sebastian. Reconsider."

"I am sorry, your Grace. cannot go on as I was."

"The company you keep encourages your impulsive nature. I grieve to see you so lost."

"I have always looked to you for wisdom, for counsel. I do not intend to be a stranger here. I swore to protect you and I swear it still. But the people of Kirkwall... I want to find my own way of helping them. By their side."

"Do you leave because I will not? I fear you will struggle and lose faith. What better place to serve the Maker than here? This is your home."

Elthina spoke with conviction. It hurt Sebastian to defy her and be chastised for it. Her words would have pierced him harder if not for the knowledge that Fenris believed in him. That kept him strong. Kept his head high. "I have been cared for and provided for. Some would call it poverty compared to my previous life but I never lacked anything. But I cannot take up a bed when a true initiate could take my place. I only ask that I can stay until I find suitable accommodation."

"Sebastian." She sighed. "I cannot imagine it will take you long. You have many friends."

"I will not impose on them. If I use my connections, it won't be the way you think."

Elthina shook her head. "You are determined, and I cannot stop you. I will pray that this fades, this impulse, although another may yet take its place."

Sebastian bowed. "Forgive me."

"The door will always be open to you, Sebastian."

He knew that it was easy to walk into the Chantry. It was harder to walk out.

 

"I don't even know you." Gamlen looked at him with suspicion, his arms crossed.

"I know. I am only asking you to think about it. I will come back tomorrow and perhaps you can tell me your price."

Every single coin he had earned by helping Hawke he had given to the Chantry - not because they asked it of him but because he had felt bound to by his vow of poverty. Even if he used the next few sovereigns to pay rent, there was no guarantee his share of the work would continue. He had to find employment that would guarantee his keep. Sheltered first by his family, then the Chantry, he had never had to work out where he would sleep or how to get his next meal.

Walking back through Lowtown, he wondered if Fenris had gone out with Hawke. He had a quick look in the Hanged Man but none of his friends were there. The thought of returning to Hightown and seeing Fenris again beckoned strongly and he made his way straight there.

He called to Fenris but the mansion was silent. He walked about to make sure it was empty. Should he wait here? He wasn't quite sure that being with Fenris allowed him to take liberties when it came to his personal space. He pulled up a chair in the hallway and decided to wait, just in case, then he would return to the Chantry for a while. It was a compromise.

A sound at the door interrupted his thoughts but the door did not open. The knock was repeated and he got up to answer.

_Varania?_

"Oh. You're not- I must have the wrong house." The elf bowed her head. It was not Varania. The hair was the same shade, but she was older.

"Can I help you?"

"I'm sorry messere. Please excuse me."

It took Sebastian's mind a few moments to catch up. "Wait! You're... you're looking for Fenris, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"This is the right house. Please, come in."

_I know who you are._


	16. Chapter 16

Sebastian offered her the chair he had been sitting in and pulled up another next to her.

"Varania told us you were dead."

"She said the same thing about Fenris."

"Why would she do that?"

"To keep us apart. I haven't seen him in so many years... she wants to keep it that way."

Sebastian had seen enough to believe that. The initial betrayal, the letter - it made sense.

"Tell me what he's like now."

Sebastian smiled. "He's strong. He stands up for himself but he can also be so kind and understanding."

She gestured to him. "I see he has made friends. I'm glad."

"Aye, we're all glad to have him around." That wasn't the case for certain people, but he wasn't going to go into detail.

"Tell me, has he found love?"

"Uh, that I don't know." It was true. He didn't know if Fenris loved him.

"I hear the Champion of Kirkwall is very important in his life."

"Yes. Hawke has always helped him-"

Fenris walked in. The shock on his face was immediate.

Sebastian stood. "I should go to the Chantry. I'll come back in an hour, if you like."

As he passed, Fenris grabbed his arm. "Get out." He wasn't saying it to Sebastian.

"Leto..."

"Who are you? Why did she send you?"

"She didn't. I came to find you. I'm your mother."

"Get out!"

"Fenris...?" _Give her a chance._

Fenris turned to him. "You let her in."

"Varania was lying to us."

"You think I don't remember the woman who raised me? This is not her. Why is she doing this?"

_It's not her?_

"Leto, it's me. Your memory-"

"Don't give me that!" Fenris' voice was venomous. "She told you to say that, did she? How much did she pay you? What did she promise you?"

"Fenris, please, calm down."

Fenris pushed him away. "I want you out of my house, now." He grabbed his sword and pointed it towards the other elf.

"Messere!"

Sebastian recognised the plea for help and put himself between them. "Fenris, what if you're wrong?"

Fenris' voice was quiet now. "Get out. Both of you." He lowered his blade and went through into the next room, shutting the door.

Sebastian sighed and turned to her. "I will take you to the Chantry. There is a spare bed there now, you will be able to stay the night."

 

He saw Varric and Isabela by the Chanter's Board. Isabela was pacing. "Well?"

"He wanted to be alone. Just... stay here." he beckoned for Fenris' mother to follow him.

He didn't own much but it seemed so final to collect it so soon. He had his own small stack of letters and papers, some spare clothes, a fletching kit, his mother's locket, and other small, personal items. He wrapped them all in a cloth bag and slung them on his shoulder.

"This is your room?"

"Not any more." He didn't want her to feel bad. "I used to be a Brother. You will be safe here. I will come to see you again once I have talked to Fenris."

She smiled. "Thank you."

He nodded and left her. He wanted to explain to the others why he had packed up his belongings but he had left Isabela waiting and really wanted to know what she had to say.

Varric gestured towards the Hightown estates. "You know she's used to giving orders, not taking them."

"What happened?"

"That elf was asking about Fenris at the Hanged Man. I had trouble keeping up with him. So, who is she? It's not the sister."

"His mother. Or so she says. But Fenris won't believe her."

"Well, Fenris would know."

"I'm going to go talk to him."

Varric put his hands up. "I'm sure Isabela knows what she's doing."

"She doesn't know him like I do!"

"Hey. I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to fix him. But he's not a project, he's a person."

"I know that."

"Do you?"

He was ready to burst. "I will not be talked to in that way. I won't be told what to do!" He stalked back towards the mansion. _They don't know what Fenris and I have. Maker help me._

He went through to the side room and Fenris was in his chair, Isabela crouched at his side, her hands on the armrest.

"Sit," she said.

Sebastian let out a long huff before sitting opposite them, dropping his things next to him.

Fenris looked down at Isabela and she smiled. "As much as I'd love to stay, I have a date with Bianca." She stood and ruffled his hair before making her way past Sebastian.

The sound of the front door closing didn't spur them into conversation straight away. Neither of them said anything for a while. Fenris moved his foot up to the seat, thigh pressed against his chest, hand curled around his ankle. Sebastian noticed now the specks of blood splattered on his armour, a few stray smears on his skin.

"Bad fight today?"

"Blood mages."

That was never pleasant. Sebastian took advantage of the moment. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry that we faced them or sorry you were fooled by one?"

"Fenris, I think-"

"That I'm wrong. Yes, I know."

The room lacked its usual glow, the fire remaining unlit.

"The Knight-Commander asked Hawke to deal with the ones the Templars could not. Yet the mage cannot see how that's a problem."

"Anders? Elthina mentioned he had been to the Chantry with Hawke."

"Hawke takes him everywhere now. He argues with everyone and they will not turn a blind eye forever." Fenris gestured to the bag Sebastian had brought. "You've brought your things?"

"Oh. Yes. Oh- please don't think I was presuming to stay here. I was talking to Hawke's uncle earlier. I think I might convince him to let me a room. For enough coin. But my bed at the Chantry..."

"Sebastian," Fenris closed his eyes, "you are still welcome to use my guest room."

"No." This was a temptation he could not risk. To slip into convenience, an easy arrangement, forgetting the path he was on.

"Until you convince him. That is all I meant."

_I hate this. How did it get so awkward again?_ Never mind the guest room, he had slept in Fenris' own bed. _What if Varric was right?_ "I... questioned you earlier. I wouldn't listen. I'm really sorry."

"I thought, for a moment, that it was her. It looked like her. Had I not regained those memories I would not have reacted that way. Varania was counting on that, I am sure."

Sebastian reached down into his pack and pulled out her letter. "I never told you this, but I wrote to her."

"What?"

"I asked her about the man who wrote the papers about you. She replied and told me she would not help me any more."

"Why did you do it?"

He looked down at the letter, and it was so clear now. "I made a decision that was not mine to take. I wanted so much to help you, I didn't realise it could hurt you. She might have left you alone if not for me. I suppose the curiosity got the better of her." He thought back to the conversation with the elf woman. "She said Varania told her you were dead. And then she asked who was important to you."

"To find my weakness, no doubt. And what did you tell her?"

"That you have friends."

Fenris shifted, resting his foot back down on the floor. "And you are the best of them. Thank you for wanting to help me. I know I don't show it, but you fought for me, and I appreciate that."

_I will always fight for you._


	17. Chapter 17

Sebastian knelt by the guest bed and prayed. The action was familiar and comforting; despite his fears he felt no less devoted to his faith and it was a relief. He whispered into the darkness for a while, unburdening his mind and appealing to both the Maker and Andraste. It helped him find peace if not answers. It had been a turbulent time - not that things had been dull since he'd started helping Hawke, but his emotions since he'd started helping _Fenris_ had been tugged about as if caught in a stormy sea.

The mansion, and presumably Fenris, was still and silent. Sebastian crawled into bed and pulled the bedding around him. Any thought that he should not be taking advantage of the hospitality was dispelled quickly. He was calm, and intended to stay that way. With the image of Fenris curled up safe in the next room, he fell asleep.

 

Having woken earlier than Fenris, Sebastian headed to the docks. The smell hit him, the smell of fish from the early morning's catch, and he wandered down to watch the goings on. He had left his bow and armour behind, partly so that he would not be so conspicuous and partly so that Fenris would see he was coming back.

He peered at a notice indicating a room for rent. It would come in handy if he spoke to Gamlen later. If it came to it, he could even live here. This was also the likeliest place to find work, although it was a long walk to the chantry. He would get even fitter than he had become after so much running around with Hawke.

"Never happen." Isabela hopped down from the barrel she had been sitting on.

"I'm sorry?"

"I mean I'm glad you packed up out of there but you're not going to make it down here."

"I think you underestimate me."

"And I think you need to get over yourself. What are you proving? That you're a good person? Who are you proving it to? Why don't you use the advantage you have instead of pretending you're starting from nothing like everyone else?"

"It's something I have to do."

Isabela shrugged. "I didn't see that sign. If you're frustrated with Fenris, I know an elf at the Rose..."

He was so indignant at the suggestion that he headed straight for the chantry. Half way there, he thought perhaps that had been her plan all along.

 

Fenris. Fenris was there.

"Sebastian! Where have you been?"

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "I just went out. What happened? Does Hawke need me?"

"Hawke? I- _I_ was-" he huffed and looked him up and down, "you're..."

"I'm fine, as you can see."

"I thought something had happened, that's all."

"Why?"

"Maybe Varania-"

Sebastian scoffed. "That's a little far-fetched, I think."

Fenris frowned. "You were gone, but your things were all there. You are surprised I worried?"

"I left them to avoid that!"

"What else could I think? You never go out without your bow, let alone your armour!"

Sebastian bit back. "What, was I supposed to have left a note?"

Fenris immediately looked away.

_Stupid._ "...I didn't mean that. Not like that."

"It is no matter." Fenris managed, before walking away.

"Why are we even fighting?" Sebastian followed him back out of the chantry.

"Because you could have been in danger!"

"You really believe that?"

Fenris turned and shoved him against the wall. "She's gone. But your _friends_ made sure to tell her your name."

"Who..."

"She just wanted to thank the man who'd been so kind to her."

It was said with so much venom that Sebastian almost felt it was directed at him.

Fenris let him go and stalked down the stairs, obviously in no mood to discuss it further. Sebastian didn't need him to elaborate. He was putting the pieces together in his mind and Fenris' behaviour not only made sense but made him see how careless he had been.

 

Sebastian thought he would have to search all of Kirkwall, but he found Fenris quite easily, sitting at the base of the steps to Lowtown. He sat next to him and prayed he could hold his tongue from saying anything else thoughtless.

"You don't understand," Fenris' voice was low, "you don't know what it's like. They can destroy everything. I don't have the power to oppose a Magister operating from Tevinter." He flexed his clawed gauntlet. "Danarius came here and exposed himself. Varania is not going to make the same mistake. I shouldn't have let her go!" He slammed his fist sideways against the stone.

"Revenge may seem more satisfying but do not regret the mercy that stayed your hand."

Fenris shot him a fierce glare.

"I learned that lesson."

"I am not here for lessons!"

"Fenris, please." Sebastian closed his eyes. He could not watch Fenris walk away again because he would always chase him in the end, weaker each time. All over the city if he had to. He had to be the friend he had always been - offering the strength of his conviction when he had nothing else, when he was wrong about every other thing. "I want to help. I don't always know how, but I... care too much to stop trying."

After a few moments, Fenris settled back down and sighed. The bustle of the market filled the space before his words. "I thought it was over. That I could move on. Hadriana, Danarius... but I have only uncovered another chain. The only way I know how to sever it is with my hand in her heart. It is what I am."

"You are more than that," Sebastian said gently, "can't you see?"

Fenris looked at his hand again. "No."

_I see so much hope in you. You're beautiful. I love you._ If he tried to convince him now, he probably wouldn't have much luck. "Thank you for looking out for me."

"I imagine they did not approve of my scene at the chantry."

Sebastian had not even looked at the people there to know if Elthina had seen or heard anything or not. For all the attention he had paid, the chantry might as well have been empty. The instant he saw Fenris he forgot his purpose in going there.

"They approve of me less."

"They are fools." Fenris looked over again, the anger gone. "As am I."

"No, you were right. And here we are again. I'm sorry."

Fenris shook his head. "I'll listen. Just keep trying." He put his hand on Sebastian's for just a moment.

"I will."

"Can I ask a favour?"

"Of course."

"Hawke has been quite busy lately, and... I'd like you to help me with my reading."

"Fenris..."

"However, if you do... you'll need to change. I can't stand the smell of fish."

Sebastian stared at him and caught the slight smirk. "Well then. The sooner the better. Shall we?"

 

They walked back together. Sebastian hesitated through the chantry courtyard.

"If you want to go in, I understand. I will wait for you - I am in no hurry."

Sebastian looked up at the huge building. "I think you've waited long enough." He turned to Fenris and smiled.

Fenris smiled back.

 

They took every cushion in the mansion and propped them up on the guest bed so they could lean back against the wall and sit together, both of them holding the book between them.

_I want to prove that I am worthy of you. I want to earn that smile._


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have changed from unspecified!Hawke to non-mage f!Hawke, apologies for any headcanon shifts

Sebastian woke with his arm held tightly around Fenris, his body curled behind the elf's. Fenris' head was almost hidden, so pillowed it was into the mass of cushions at the head of the bed. His ear was sticking out and a grin spread on Sebastian's face as he leaned over him and kissed it.

"I am awake, you know."

"Is that comfortable?"

"Yes. Don't move."

Sebastian wasn't going anywhere. However, he did kiss that long ear again.

"Sebastian."

"One more." Sebastian kissed the very tip before settling back down and nuzzling the nape of Fenris' neck, much like Fenris was doing to the cushion half his face was pressed against.

"Happy?"

"You have no idea." Sebastian murmured.

Fenris slid his foot against Sebastian's ankle. "Then tell me."

Wrapped up warm with Fenris, there were no words to describe his blissed state. However, he would try his best. "I have you in my arms, and you're incredible. And you're there because you want to be. And you don't want me to move." It was a clumsy start.

"Keep going."

"You're warm and strong and you smell amazing, and you forgive me even when I'm indecisive, or when I'm wrong." _Which has happened a lot._

Fenris' ribs moved by his arm as he breathed.

"I'm in love with you, Fenris."

He felt his chest still for just a moment.

_Please don't let that be bad, please don't let that be bad._ "And- so- that makes me happy just to be with you." He hadn't exactly planned to confess the depth of his feelings, not yet and not like this. There was so much more to say and Sebastian didn't even know how to start.

Fenris was breathing again, gathering Sebastian's hand in his and clutching it tight. His voice was soft. "I'm happy too."

That took Sebastian's breath away.

 

Hawke had showed up mid-morning to ask Fenris to accompany her to the Gallows.

Sebastian was glad Fenris had helped him into his armour when they got up. _Almost as fun as taking it off,_ he had said, _almost._

Hawke had received a letter from First Enchanter Orsino and wanted to act on it straight away - she apologised to Sebastian and assured him she would call at the Chantry if he was needed. While he would have liked to help and also accompany Fenris, he was glad he hadn't been invited along. Going to the Chantry was the right thing to do.

He was only a little embarrassed at the curious looks the Brothers and Sisters gave him at first, but there was no real awkwardness and it didn't take him long to catch up with what had been going on. Sebastian hadn't told them that he had renounced his vows and they appreciated his honesty, although most asked when he was coming back. He didn't know if there was an answer to that question.

It was Elthina that he really wanted to see. He sat and waited outside her office and when she emerged, he bowed his head.

"Sebastian, my child."

"Grand Cleric."

"Welcome. It is good to see you here."

He looked up at her familiar face, and it was a little like coming home - but he had failed her, and this wasn't his home any more. "How are you?"

"Troubled, as we all have been of late."

"Hawke is right in the middle."

"And where are you?"

_Still trying to find my place._

 

It had been a chase around the city to find Meredith's conspirators. He was glad to hear that Bethany was fine, although how they had taken her from the Grey Wardens he could not imagine. It had ended with Anders arguing with the Knight-Commander herself, which Fenris assured him only Hawke's presence had stopped from escalating. Sebastian resolved to have a word with Anders. He would have to word it carefully, but it had to be done.

However, right now was not the time for worrying.

Sebastian was leaned back against the cushions with a book, his legs either side of Fenris who was snuggled against him. He read the story out loud, Fenris apparently not interested in practising after a day full of mages and templars.

He could see the strands of white hair moving with his breath as he spoke.

Fenris looked up at him and he stopped reading, eyes torn from the page onto that captivating face. Fenris pushed up with his arms and put his face inches away from Sebastian's, eyes half-lidded. He dipped his head down enough to close the distance and press his lips to Sebastian's, mouth open and inviting. Sebastian dropped the book and wrapped his arms around Fenris, hearing the pages of the tome flutter and crush as it tumbled off the bed and to the floor. They both closed their eyes, everything about the kiss now, tongues and lips and teeth. Fenris moaned as Sebastian tugged his bottom lip with a bite, sucking the fullness into his mouth and making the blood rush to it. Fenris pulled away only to shift the length of his body closer to Sebastian's, tilting his head to the side to kiss and nibble his ear.

"Ah-!" Sebastian squirmed, "I didn't bite!"

Fenris chuckled, nipping the outer shell. "Do not blame me."

Sebastian lifted his chest from the cushions, trying to tip Fenris over to catch his ear but Fenris was having none of it and pinned him back down.

"Wait." Fenris said, and kissed him again.

He settled for bringing his hands to Fenris' buttocks and giving them a good squeeze.

Fenris was smiling as he broke the kiss. He turned his head, chin to shoulder, showing off his ear.

It was a lovely sight. Sebastian wanted to enjoy it. He ran his tongue up the side of Fenris' neck and he felt his hands gripping his tunic. He kissed along his jaw, nudging Fenris chin up and over to the other side so he could carry on.

"Sebastian," he said, a little breathless.

"Mmm." Sebastian kissed the lines on his throat and Fenris exhaled, tipping his head back, a light tremble through his body. He stroked his hands all the way up Fenris' back and shoulders until he was cupping his face and kissing him again. His fingertips brushed along his ears and then he coaxed Fenris' head to the side again to kiss cheekbone to hairline before following all along the top of his ear with his tongue.

"Oh..." Fenris shivered again and pressed against him, the shift in his weight hinting at his growing arousal.

Sebastian moved his lips down the outer edge to his earlobe, where he kissed and sucked, enjoying the way Fenris was bunching the fabric of his tunic against his ribs. He planted a kiss inside the shell of his ear, before saying in his softest whisper, "now the other."

Fenris stopped for a hungry kiss mid-turn, unlacing Sebastian's shirt while he had the opportunity, then presenting his other ear.

His cheek was flushed right where Sebastian intended to kiss and Sebastian pressed his lips to the warm skin, sitting up and peeling off his shirt.

"Wait," Fenris said again, this time less a command and more a plea as he pulled off his own.

Sebastian took in the sight, it stunned him every time, the taut muscles sculpting his body so perfectly, the lick of lyrium lines pale against the smooth skin, his dark nipples stiffening with his arousal. Sebastian tugged him close again, biting his earlobe.

Fenris slid his hands up Sebastian's stomach and rolled his hips, his cock hard through the fabric. Sebastian grabbed his ass again before tugging the fabric down, and Fenris helped, wriggling out of his leggings.

The action also _helped_ Sebastian in other ways, and they got him out of his breeches. They must have landed on the book but Sebastian didn't know, Fenris was between his legs again and moving down, hair caressing Sebastian's chest as he kissed down it.

Sebastian couldn't think, the anticipation of what Fenris was about to do to him obliterating everything else. His cock grew harder against the tattoed torso and Fenris looked up at him, the barest of smirks on his lips. _Please, oh please keep going._

Fenris pushed his forearm against Sebastian's stomach, his other hand free to hold the base of Sebastian's cock as he dipped his head down to lick it.

Sebastian took a ragged breath and tensed his hips up but Fenris had him pinned in place to be the one to set the pace. He didn't tease, however, licking his lips and pulling them down over the head. Sebastian moaned low and relaxed back against the pillows, toes and fingers curling in the sheets as Fenris took more of him in. "Yes... ah, yes..."

Fenris closed his eyes and moved his mouth up and down over the length a few times before pulling off to lick at the underside. When Sebastian let out a groan at that he moved up to the head and sucked it before sliding his lips back over the shaft and taking him in again.

"Nnnnghh..." Sebastian's body tensed again in a wave of desire and he brought a hand up to grip the arm that Fenris was holding him down with, just so he could touch, do something other than clutch uselessly at the bedding. He groped Fenris' bicep and Fenris hummed around him, flexing it and moving his hand up to Sebastian's chest.

Fenris pulled off again, panting softly and licking his lips. He stroked Sebastian as he moved back up, accepting the fierce tug as Sebastian grabbed him and kissed him hard. "Mmmm."

"Fenris..." Sebastian said, his voice laced with need and lust. He reached for Fenris' cock and rubbed it against his slick one, rolling his hips up. _Dear Maker..._

Fenris started thrusting too, his voice rough as he groaned Sebastian's name. He braced his hands on Sebastian's shoulders and his body undulated as he moved for both their pleasure. When he pressed his hips close and their balls rubbed together, he bit his lip and whimpered.

It was pretty fantastic for Sebastian as well. His breathing was heavy and he could feel his entire body responding to Fenris, the heat of his skin, the sounds he was making. He opened his hand to stroke his own cock as well as Fenris', their strained sighs a litany as sweat beaded on their skin.

"Sebastian," Fenris whispered against his ear, "I'm close."

Sebastian would do anything, anything to bring him pleasure. "Yes-" his voice was unsteady and he let go and concentrated on Fenris alone.

"Ah, ah!" Fenris fucked his hand hard until he cried out and came splattering onto Sebastian's chest. He bowed his back and pressed his forehead to Sebastian's neck. "Please," he whispered, "please, you."

Sebastian arched and worked himself fast, Fenris' climax encouraging his own and he bit down on his bottom lip as he sought it, chased it desperately, so close, so close. "Fenris! Fenris!" His hand shook as he released over Fenris' stomach, the come dripping between them until Fenris lowered his body on top and they both sagged against the bed, utterly spent.

They were in the same position they started, Fenris snuggled against him, although his damp hair did not move against his breath. Sebastian drifted to sleep.

_I'm with you, Fenris._


	19. Chapter 19

"I have an idea."

"Does it involve moving?"

Fenris smiled against his shoulder. "Eventually."

Sebastian stroked Fenris' hair. "Tell me your idea."

"I wish to destroy Danarius' documents."

"Even though- we haven't finished."

"I want to burn them. But you may read them if you like. I am ready to be rid of the weight. It drags me down."

Sebastian's expression relaxed again. "Good for you."

Fenris smiled fondly at him. "Thank you." He kissed him, and climbed off. "You don't need to be anywhere today, right?" Fenris said, leaning over the washbowl.

Anders could wait. Until the afternoon at least. "Nowhere but here." Sebastian sat on the edge of the bed and picked his breeches from the floor, noticing the abandoned book. He picked it up and shook the pages flat, standing and putting it down on the table.

Fenris wiped himself clean and walked over to Sebastian, running the damp cloth over his chest. "Hmmm." He took his time, appreciating Sebastian's body as he stroked it.

It was a wonderful feeling, to know that Fenris wanted him, when he was just a man standing there with nothing but love for him - to think that it could be enough, that _he_ could be enough.

Fenris draped the cloth on the back of a chair before pulling on his leggings.

Just his leggings, Sebastian was pleased to note.

 

After a simple breakfast Fenris lit the fire and they sat by it, watching it catch and grow. They spread the papers in front of them, Fenris taking the drawings first and feeding the young flame with them.

Sebastian couldn't imagine what he felt, watching his image burn, knowing it would always be etched into his skin.

Fenris placed his palm on a random document. "Tell me what I'm looking at."

One by one, Sebastian guided Fenris to the pieces they had read, explaining what they were. Fenris would pause, listen, then let them ignite before dropping them into the fire.

This was Fenris' moment. No matter how hard Sebastian wanted to take the papers and rip them up for his own satisfaction. He wondered if Fenris wanted to do the same. If he did, he was showing remarkable restraint.

Fenris rubbed his brow and turned his head away. He had been calm throughout; this was the first sign that it was affecting him. "You carry on."

Sebastian worked more slowly. He read what was left, wanting to make sure he missed nothing important before he threw it to the flames. He kept glancing over at Fenris, but he didn't move, didn't speak.

The only thing left was in Tevinter. He spoke the strange words out loud, not knowing if his pronunciation was any better. When he had finished the whole document he asked, "shall I throw it in?"

Fenris was looking at him rather intensely. "Yes."

That was it. The last one. It darkened and curled in the blaze with the others, and all was left was the empty pouch. Sebastian stroked it. If Fenris didn't want to keep it, he might.

Fenris crawled towards him and kissed him. "Let's go out."

Sebastian stroked up his arms. "Right now?"

"I imagine we would need to be dressed first."

Sebastian grinned. "Pity the rest of our clothes are upstairs."

"You wish... to..." Fenris' gaze flicked down.

Sebastian shook his head. "I'm just very glad you're this comfortable around me."

Fenris smiled. "I am." He sat back on his heels, one of his hands reaching for Sebastian's. "I used to be no more than an object. When I came here, and made friends, I thought that was all freedom could give me. I didn't expect anything more. I never thought that I could feel like... this."

Sebastian took his hand, stroking the lyrium lines at the back of it with his thumb.

Fenris leaned in and kissed him, heartfelt and tender. "Thank you."

 

They called at the Hawke estate but Bodahn informed them she was unlikely to return soon as she had received another letter from the First Enchanter. _All this templar business,_ Bodhan had remarked, not for the first time, _She really is looking out for the city._ They weren't very keen on going to the docks so they settled on the Hanged Man as a place to pass the afternoon.

On the way down to Lowtown, they could see the cluster of templars and mages almost blocking their path. When they got closer, they could see Meredith and Orsino were standing off at the bottom of the steps.

"This isn't good. Hawke should know about this." _Elthina should know about this._

"I agree." Fenris said, starting to walk past the commotion. "Let's check the Hanged Man first."

There was no need. Hawke approached with the others and they gathered near her. She was soon drawn into the argument, so much on her shoulders. Always so diplomatic. As she asked questions Sebastian decided he would have to speak to her again about being Viscount. Only then would she have real authority.

A few people watched from the sidelines but none came closer. The air was tense and their group was silent, even Varric. Aveline was standing the other side of Fenris. She could help diffuse the situation if it escalated.

He heard them mention Elthina and Sebastian stepped forward. If she was involved then so would he be. He would be right in step with them.

"The Grand Cleric cannot help you." Anders said, joining the dispute, speaking out as if he was in a position to influence the situation. It was a dangerous move. _Anders, control yourself-_

Justice burned through him and Sebastian went on full alert - if Meredith chose to attack him now there would be a big fight on their hands. She would see him as an abomination and nothing else. Sebastian tried to focus exactly on what was being said.

"Anders, what have you done?"

"There can be no turning back."

He felt the dread in his gut before he heard the tremor from the Chantry.

_Maker, no._


	20. Chapter 20

The terrible light ripped towards the sky like a beacon, sending ash and debris over the city.

The Chantry. _The Chantry._

_I will be your shield._

She was gone.

"Elthina, no! Maker..." Sebastian slumped to his knees. _Why... why?_

He had to pray for them. They no longer had a voice of their own.

_Anders._

Meredith was shouting. Orsino was shouting. Why did they carry on with their petty squabbles? This was no Resolutionist plot. This was the work of an abomination. He had blinded them all.

"Why are we debating the Rite of Annulment when the monster who did this is right here? I swear to you, I will kill him."

Sebastian stayed his hand over and over again. Without that restraint, he was sure he would fall apart. He could not do it for personal revenge. It had to be the Maker's will. This was bigger than him.

_Hawke. He must pay. With his life. The people look to you._

"I won't let her slaughter all of you." She defended the mages.

"It is a mistake," Fenris said to her, "but I won't abandon you."

Sebastian looked his way for the first time since the explosion. The Rite was extreme. Even Fenris could see that.

Meredith gave the order for the templars to kill them all and he fought beside him, beside Hawke. There was little time to think.

 

Anders sat away from them. Hawke would do what was right. She had to.

"If I pay for that with my life, then I pay." Anders said. "Perhaps Justice would at least be free."

So he knew. _No more talking, Hawke. End it._

"Help me defend the mages."

_No._

The Champion of Kirkwall, as corrupted as the city.

The line was drawn. If she let him live... unthinkable. No alliance, no friendship could exist between them. He could not forgive this. He could not allow this. There was little he could do alone, but with a city of his own behind him...

_I will teach him what true justice is._

Sebastian walked away, his rage threatening to choke him. He should have acted sooner, an arrow through Anders' head the moment the Chantry exploded.

_What other sign was I waiting for?_

"-bastian. Sebastian!"

_Fenris._

He stopped to look back. Fenris had followed after him. The one good thing left in this wretched place. Kirkwall didn't deserve him.

 _And I need you._ "Come with me."

Hawke called for Fenris. The city was broken. She needed her warrior. They would be making for the Gallows, and battle.

Fenris stood, caught between them.

Sebastian knew Fenris had reasons to stay loyal to Hawke. An opinion of his own. He would never deny him that. Still, he found he could hardly breathe in anticipation of the answer. _Please. Please._

"I can't."

He still couldn't breathe.

Maybe it was the smoke. He forced himself to take a deep breath. Enough to make the words come. "Goodbye, Fenris."

Time was short. They had to go. Separate ways.

"Sebastian." Fenris' voice broke on his name.

 _It can't end this way. It can't end._ "I will find you."

Fenris smiled, full of sadness. "I'm hard to miss."

The blue glow that coursed along his body was a stark contrast to the burning city. Red, orange, black, and Fenris in the middle, shining like a star. The glow reached his eyes, his fingertips _How are you doing that?_ and he turned and ran, to Hawke's side, to fight, where Sebastian could no longer go.

Standing alone, the faint sounds of screams and explosions dulled by the thud of his heartbeat, he knew Fenris would be okay.

He had to get out of there.

The docks would be chaos and he would not wait, as if stranded, for a ship to Ostwick or beyond.

He sought out those who were fleeing North, managing to get on a Tantervale merchant's caravan, crowded not with people but with goods. The coin he gave was enough.

 

In the sway of the caravan, in the dark where he rested, among the clink and jangle of wares, the horror of the day caught up with him.

Each memory, each regret, felt as though it ripped his chest hollow. Elthina. The sisters. The orphans. Hawke. Fenris. He had lost everything and everyone.

He brought an arm over his eyes at the light sting of tears. There was no escaping the grief in his heart, in his whole body, aching and helpless and weak. He started to sob, quietly, overcome by the pain. An isolation he could not face, could not believe he had ever felt before.

_'It says everyone in the household was killed. I am so sorry, Sebastian.'_

'No! How can that- what are you saying? Who wrote that? Let me look at that!'

'We must pray for them.'

'Pray? What good is praying? I will see these murderers slaughtered for what they did!'

'Sebastian! You are a Brother of the Chantry-'

'How dare you think I will not avenge this? They are my family! That is worth more than this!'

Sebastian curled on his side, the leather of his gloves rough on his skin as he tried to catch every tear that slipped down his face.

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

To his parents, for disappointing them. For surviving.

To Elthina, for abandoning her. For thinking himself wiser.

To Fenris.

For everything he didn't say, everything he couldn't be. For saying goodbye.

The only thing that hadn't changed was Sebastian's love for him. Shy fingers on inked paper, warm skin on thin sheets, the smirk on his lips and the strength in his muscles.

The memories would not fade. He would make sure of that.

_I'll miss you._

 

He could not be what he was before, and his only comfort came in one who could not answer.

 _Andraste, my lady. If this is to be my path, I walk it with your blessing. It is the will of the Maker._ He breathed deeply, the tears slowing, his emotions steadying with the words the Chant. _Foul and corrupt are they who have taken His gift and turned it against His children. They shall be named Maleficar, accursed ones. They shall find no rest in this world or beyond._

Even if he was alone, even when everything had been stripped away, there was something that he always had, whether he had claimed it or not.

He had a duty, a purpose. It was time to embrace it.

_I am Sebastian Vael, Prince of Starkhaven._


End file.
